


The Red Long Johns, Or “Be Sure to Dress in Layers”

by shulkie



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Chaperones AU, M/M, Smut, long johns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-05
Updated: 2014-12-29
Packaged: 2018-02-28 05:59:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2721347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shulkie/pseuds/shulkie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s the week of the yearly Trust Initiative Teen Action Network (T.I.T.A.N.) retreat but this year Levi is left out in the cold when Hanji breaks her leg. To make things worse, Principal Smith gets a replacement chaperone—the new, very green English teacher Eren Jaeger. Levi and Eren butt heads over every little thing from professional to personal. Despite all of this, Levi finds himself distracted by the red long johns the fashion-challenged Eren wears under all of his winter gear and just how to get into them…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "Baba O'Riley (Teenage Wasteland)"//The Who
> 
> My tumblr is [perksofbeingawaifu](http://perksofbeingawaifu.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I wanted a fic where Levi and Eren are both chaperones. My inspiration was kindof Wet Hot American Summer--where the teachers/chaperones/adults are just as bad as the kids--except in the winter. Also there is a long story behind the long johns that I'll share next chapter.
> 
> I have not yet thought of a tracking tag. I was thinking #fic: longjohns but that tag is already just 90% dick pix.
> 
> If you like, please leave kudos or comments!

“You’re shitting me,” Levi said as Hanji wheeled towards him.

“Ha,” she offered sheepishly. “No.”

It was the week of the Trust Initiative Teen Action Network retreat and she was bailing on him.

The Trost TITAN retreat was Rico Brzenska brain child born of two goals: Rico’s love of acronyms and to unite those special students who possessed “leadership qualities” aka teacher’s pets and students padding their college applications. There was a long nomination process wherein each homeroom teacher had to nominate two students, often remembering the night before or day of. Some teachers picked the first two students who asked (one year Petra had three students ask at once and was fraught with tears when Rico refused to accept all three). Mike chose his through a Koosh basketball tournament. Levi had simply posed the question to his class.

“Who is interested in the TITAN retreat? It looks good on your college application and you get to miss school for a week.”

Twelve hands went up.

“It’s in the middle of nowhere on a mountain in January.”

Two hands went down.

“You have to sleep in poorly constructed cabins in your own sleeping bag.”

One hand went down.

“And I will be chaperoning the retreat. I’ll be on the bus with you. I’ll be in a cabin with you. I’ll be there helping you learn to build fires and not die of exposure like that guy from _Into the Wild_. I’ll be there in the mess hall at mealtime drinking watered down Hawaiian Punch. I will be there teaching you how to make taco salad.”

By the time he finished speaking only two hands remained up and very hesitantly at that as if they weren’t quite sure if they truly wanted it.

“I hope you like olives in your taco salad,” he informed them solemnly.

The two gunners looked near tears.

“How did this even happen?” Levi asked Hanji, indicating the very large plaster cast on her leg.

“I slipped on some ice in my driveway trying to take a pictures of a fox with its winter coat to show my class.”

Hanji was Levi’s favorite fellow teacher and best friend. She was in the science department, which meant he was supposed to hate her since the math and science department were always at odds due to the fact that their budget was higher. Hanji held the school record for “Most Frogs Ordered” during one school year, something she was very proud of. Principal Smith had agreed to buy enough amphibians for three years because 1) they were preserved in formaldehyde and 2) they would keep in a freezer for ten years according to the sale rep. The problem everyone soon realized was that they needed to store the frogs. No fridge was spared. Not even the math department’s lunch freezer was spared, much to the dismay of Levi’s breakfast burritos.

Every year Principal Smith made each teacher pick two events to chaperone. There was always a rush to sign up for homecoming, snowcoming, and prom. Spend four hours watching horny teenagers attempt to grind and twerk on one another? Heaven. At least, heaven compared to the alternatives: the retreats. The retreats were endurance marathons for teachers. Every year they took bets to see who would flame out and have the first nervous breakdown. Poor Petra. She held the record at TITAN two years in a row now. Aururo actually had a spectacular meltdown earlier in the year and had nearly bitten off his tongue on a team-building whitewater rafting trip, forcing his poor aide to give his lectures for a good two weeks.

But now Hanji, that no good shitty goggled freak (he thought with all the love and respect he could offer), had gone and gotten herself sidelined right before the biggest game of the year. The only reason Levi agreed to this stupid retreat was because she was going to be there.

“I want out,” Levi told Erwin not even five minutes later.

“You can’t pull out. Without Hanji we’re already short-staffed as is.”

“Call one of the PTA shits to fill in. Remind them of their community obligation. They have a chance to shape young minds and sculpt…integrity—“ he yawned loudly before he could even finish that sentence.

“You’re going. I found another teacher to fill in so it’s no problem,” the principal said, steepling his fingers in a way reminiscent of a Bond villain. All he was missing was a white Persian cat.

“What poor moron did you con this time?”

“Mr. Jaeger.”

“Who?”

“The new English teacher.”

“Who?”

“You know who I’m talking about. We had a whole meeting to introduce new teachers and I thought he had a very successful debut.”

A much better debut than the fall play Jaeger had directed.

“Oh, was he the one talking about inspiring young people to take part in their communities and—and—there I go yawning again.”

“He actually jumped at the chance to help out. I see a bright future for him here and maybe he could use a mentor like—goddamnit, your yawns are contagious.”

There were three buses reserved for the TITAN retreat. Bus #1 was reserved for freshman and Nile and Mike always claimed that bus calling it the Funbus but the upperclassmen called it the Froshbus. As Levi walked past the Froshbus he heard several whoops and Mike leaned his shaggy head out the bus window howling like a werewolf during the full moon. Bus #3 was reserved for the seniors and the seniors only. Usually a junior or two snuck on if they were dating or if they were close friends with a senior, but the Seniorbus was a very exclusive group and very hard to get into. Rico and Petra oversaw the Seniorbus. The seniors were a quiet, reserved bunch too busy trying to catch up on all the school they were going to miss to cause trouble. The Froshbus and the senior bus were the “good” ones. The real troublemakers were the sophomores and juniors aka Bus #2. Levi always called it the ShitBus because it always smelled like shit and really? It’s already called the #2 bus, do you need to be drawn a diagram?

They always assigned Levi to the ShitBus. He wasn’t quite sure why. Some would call it karma. Others would put the blame with Erwin’s conniving strategizing brain.

“Mr. J!” Levi heard a pink-cheeked sophomore girl exclaim breathlessly.

“Hello Jessica!” Mr. Jaeger responded cheerily.

“Mr. J!” one junior boy mimicked, forcing the sophomore to sit down and hide her blushing face. “Oh Mr. J! Do me like that Mr. J!” the kid cried in a falsetto and the other boys joined him in moaning obscenely.

“Haha, very funny Dylan. Okay, let’s put the football and all other projectiles away and—Hey! Mr. Brown! HEY!” he protested when several foam footballs struck him. “That’s enough of—HEY!”

All missile launches ceased the moment Levi’s stern grey eyes and buzzed undercut came into view. Mr. Jaeger uncrossed his arms which were shielded over his face to block the assault.

“Hello underclassmen, I am Mr. Ackerman some of you may be unfortunate to be in my AP Calculus class and if not then well…” he gave a thin mirthless smile “…there’s always next year. Mr. Jaeger and I are your chaperones for this trip and your bus driver is Mr. Shadis. Mr. Shadis has been a bus driver for nearly twenty years, isn’t that something? He is also legally deaf and probably shouldn’t still be behind the wheel.”

Mr. Shadis leaned back and smiled benignly, clearly not hearing a word Levi was saying save for his own name.

“But he is. If you have complaints send them to Superintendent Pixis. That’s P-I-X-I-S. Now we are going to operate by Babe Ruth principles, that is to say, three strikes and you’re out. Understood?”

Everyone nodded slowly.

“There are no four balls to a walk or any of that, just three strikes and I determine what merits a strike. Not Mr. Jaeger, not Mr. Pixis. Me. And I _do not grade on a curve_.”

“How many balls did you say again, Mr. Ackerman?” one smart aleck called to the front.

“STRIKE ONE!” Levi put up his finger and they all stilled. “Now, Mr. Shadis is going to put on the classical station because classical music has been shown to help soothe your little savage beast brains and help with math comprehension or some such bullshit. You have three options: do your homework, talk quietly— _quietly_ —among yourselves, or contemplate your own mortality while staring out the window. Okay, I guess if you get motion sick, you have a fourth option which is to sleep. Anything outside these parameters merits a strike. Three strikes and the punishment will be severe.”

Everyone nodded and Levi hit the radio knob and Beethoven began to drift throughout the bus.

“That’s okay, Mr. Ackerman,” a bespectacled sophomore said smugly. “I like classical music.”

“Perry, no one likes a brownnoser,” Levi dismissed him.

“Wow,” said Mr. Jaeger, sitting down next to Levi.

“What are you doing?” Levi asked, glaring at the man who was invading his space.

“Oh, sorry I introduced myself at the beginning of the year—I’m Eren Jaeger—“

“Get out of my seat,” Levi said, his lip curling unattractively. “You can sit on the wheel hump with the first aid kits.”

Eren picked himself up and slid into the other seat, looking very confused and a little hurt.

“So how long have you been teaching—“

“Ah!” Levi cut him off, pulling on his large noise cancelling headphones.

The peace created by Levi’s threats lasted halfway into _Mars, Bringer of War_. Then the students decided they would rather sing “This is the Song that Never Ends” and if Levi couldn’t tolerate Shari Lewis’ performance then there was no way in hell he was going to tolerate theirs.

“Hey guys, maybe keep it down?” Mr. Jaeger tried but they didn’t listen to him.

Judging by the vein twitching in his temple it bothered Eren greatly that they didn’t respect him, but he didn’t want to be the bad guy. He was the good guy. Right? So he did what many harried wives do when their children are being bratty, “Just wait until your father gets home!”

“You don’t want to upset Mr. Ackerman, do you?” Eren said, the implication being that he (being the generous and kindhearted soul that he was) didn’t find it quite as annoying as it really was because he had been young once and still was quite young so he understood their need to test the limit and push boundaries and— _oh my god_ , it was hard to believe that song originated from a lamb puppet’s mouth and not a Russian gulag!

Eren had barely finished his sentence when he heard the sharp command of, “STRIKE TWO!”

All singing ceased immediately, but what followed it was a mutinous murmur. Levi responded to this with a slow turn of his head, like an owl rotating that curved beak to the sound of a scampering mouse.

“Threats don’t mean anything if you can’t back them up,” Levi informed Eren, marking a Calculus test with a quick snap of his wrist.

“I—I don’t really believe in making threats to students,” Eren managed, holding his head high with an air of superiority. “I would rather make friends and allies. We’re guardians here to these young minds and I’d rather not teach them that brute force and intimidation are tactics they should be applying instead of creativity and hard work.”

He finished somewhat breathlessly, looking across the aisle to his coworker hopefully.

Levi hooked his neck up to look at him, a mixture of pity and annoyance on his face.

“I get it. You’re new and you want to be the good guy—“

“Look, high school is stressful enough already. Kids are bullied just for looking, thinking differently and I don’t want to be another bully.”

“I demand obedience. I demand their full attention and compliance and I see no reason why I shouldn’t get it.”

“See, and I want them to challenge authority,” Eren said smiling. “To question the person giving the orders. To think for themselves!”

“That’s just wonderful. Let me know how that works out for you,” Levi said, taking points off a test, writing a large C- on the front with “SEE ME” written under it with his red Sharpie.

“We’re not supposed to be marking tests with red ink,” Eren reminded him.

Levi held eye contact while ticking off another point.

“It’s just that studies show that red ink reminds them of failure. So we’re supposed to use different colors, like purple or blue. I’ve been using green.”

“Is that what they teach you in college now? What a waste of tuition money.”

“Well there’s actual data to support it so I wouldn’t say it’s a waste—“

You think I’m a bully because I don’t powder their asses and console them for mediocrity?” Levi asked incredulously. “I’m not going to coddle them and tell them that everything will get better after high school because I’m not a liar. It only gets harder and the sooner they learn to cope with my demands, the sooner they’ll learn what the real world is like.”

“And I think the real world is the monster under the bed we threaten teenagers with,” Eren said, his dark eyebrows raised over two startlingly beautiful green eyes. Levi hadn’t noticed those. He didn’t much care for the way they looked at him, condescending and a little smug.

“The real world is college loans, credit ratings, taxes, and mortgages,” Levi tapped on his pale pointed fingers. “All of which I help them prepare for. What is it you teach again?”

“Oh, right, because when I applied for my first car loan, I had to find the factor of the bluebook for a Subaru Outback—oh wait, no I didn’t. Remind me how Calculus is applicable in the ‘real world’ again?” Eren asked sweetly.

Levi narrowed his grey eyes at Eren.

“Well Maria, I know you chose this career because one day you saw Robin Williams jump up on a desk and thought, ‘I want to be that!’ but while you’re playing Kumbaya up in the Swiss Alps, inspiring a whole new generation—“ he wiped an imaginary tear “—the truth of it is you just want to be the nice, easy-going, popular guy you never were in high school. Me? I don’t care about that. While you try to tell some braceface pimply limpdick he could be the next Hemingway, I’m graced with the task of teaching them hard truths. There is nothing to romanticize about a Math teacher. I don’t get to hold their hands and tell them they can be anything they want to be. Because there is only one right answer. And that’s what counts.”

“You’re an asshole you know that?” Eren hissed at Levi. Eren folded his arms across his chest and stared out the window, his breath so heated it fogged the window.

Levi indicated his sound proof headphones, which were back on his head.

“I said—“ Eren repeated, sliding across the aisle and into the empty seat by Levi, pulling at his headphones. “You’re an asshole.”

“Mr. J is gay for Mr. A and wants to suck his dick!” one sophomore shouted, making slurping noises with his mouth.

“STRIKE THREE!” Levi bellowed, standing up despite the potholes, and turning around. “Excuse me.”

Eren returned to his seat as Levi plugged his iPod into an auxiliary cord and tapped the screen until “PUNISHMENT PLAYLIST” popped up.

“I warned you,” Levi said, shaking his head as he cranked the volume.

“WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? WHO WHO WHO—“ boomed over the speakers and everyone, including Eren clapped their hands over their ears.

Twenty minutes later…

“WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? WHO WHO WHO WHO?”

“I can’t take it anymore!” a sophomore girl sobbed. She opened the bus window and shouted, “HELP US!”

Levi, content with his noise cancelling headphones, licked his finger and flipped the page of a test.

“Maybe that’s enough?” Eren shouted over to Levi, his hands still over his ears.

Levi held up his finger indicating Eren should wait until he finished scanning the page.

“SomeBODY ONCE TOLD ME—“ the playlist switched over suddenly.

The entire bus let out a sigh at the sudden change of song only for those sighs to turn into desperate cries when it switched back to Baha Men with the next song.

“Fine, you win,” Levi shouted at Eren and Eren felt relief for a brief moment, thinking Levi was going to turn off the deafening music. “My red pen ran out of ink.”

He held his hand out expectantly and Eren handed him his green pen, eyes narrowed.

The music was shut off only when their caravan of busses reached the rest stop, completing the first third of their journey. Technically they shouldn’t have stopped this early, but Petra had a bladder as tiny as her frame and never made it to the halfway point without twitching in her seat.

“Everyone off the bus. I don’t care if you don’t have to go, go anyway!” Levi shouted.

“I don’t think you handled that appropriately,” Eren informed Levi, ears ringing.

“I warned them. Three strikes,” Levi said, walking briskly towards the urinals.

“Well I meant how you reacted to what he said. I am gay.”

“Okay…” Levi said unzipping his fly and Eren reflected that he could have chosen a better time.

“It’s just that I’m trying to normalize the word gay so it doesn’t have such a negative connotation and you punishing them for that doesn’t exactly help my case,” Eren said awkwardly to the tile wall of the men’s bathroom. “And—“

“Don’t talk to a man when he’s trying to take a piss,” Levi sighed, staring upwards.

There was a long awkward pause filled by two steady streams and toilets flushing. Levi gave two shakes and zipped up, washing his hands only to find Eren had followed him.

“And instead of creating a dialogue about what’s appropriate and what’s not, you just drowned—“

Levi put his hands under the hand dryer, silencing Eren’s concern. He removed them.

“You drowned—“

He put them back under. Eren huffed.

“Look, kid—“

“You can call me, Eren,” he insisted.

“They didn’t insult you by calling you gay and saying you suck dick (which is really none of my business), it’s that they showed you no respect. Now in my and Rodney Dangerfield’s eyes respect is a pretty big deal. You either give it or you don’t receive it.”

“I’m sorry, who is Rodney Dangerfield?”

Levi sighed. He stopped at the Lion’s Club table and poured some boiling water into his thermos before dropping two teabags in.

“I hate these trips because I can’t bring the looseleaf,” he grumbled to no one in particular.

“Mr. A wants to teabag Mr. J!” one of the kids shouted and Levi whipped one of the confiscated foam footballs at his head with incredible accuracy.

“I don’t know why I bother,” Eren sighed, looking up at the cloudy grey sky.

“Welch!” Levi barked at a student, blowing on his tea.

The senior looked over her shoulder instinctively before ducking down behind her friends and pulling the drawstrings tight on her hoodie.

“Welch, your name is on your back, I can see you.”

She straightened.

“Yeah Coach?”

“I didn’t know you were coming on this trip.”

“My boyfriend is going so I thought I would too,” she shrugged, looking very uncomfortable.

“So you got everything sorted out with your grades? Because I would hate to see you fall behind again,” Levi said following her onto the senior bus.

“Yeah, Coach, of c-course,” she stammered.

“Because you need a C+ or better to be eligible on the team and as I recall your last French test didn’t go so well.”

“Yeah, Mr. Kirstein said I just needed to do a take home test and I’m set.”

“Good, so you’ve finished it.”

“I—uh—“

“Wrong answer, Welch. Ms. Brzenska, Miss Welch will be joining me on the ShitBus,” he said grabbing her book bag.

The poor girl let out a long groan as she dragged her feet. Her friends pressed their faces against the glass waving goodbye but none dared beg Levi to free her.

“Sit,” he ordered and she scooted in to the window. “Now, finish that test.”

He turned on the classical station and they listened to the Blue Danube.

“The three strikes policy has been reset,” Levi informed them. “I trust you all learned a valuable lesson.”

He took a sip of his tea and looked across the aisle at Eren, who was sitting cross legged facing him.

“What?”

“So how long were you a guard at Gitmo?” Eren asked.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well Respected Man”//The Kinks
> 
>  
> 
> _“What…what is this? What are you wearing?” Levi indicated with his toothbrush._  
>  Eren looked down the buttons of his front and then back up at Levi.  
> “Long johns,” he said simply.  
> Levi felt his eyebrow twitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr is [perksofbeingawaifu](http://perksofbeingawaifu.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I have not yet thought of a tracking tag. I was thinking #fic: longjohns but that tag is already just 90% dick pix.
> 
> If you like, please leave kudos or comments!
> 
> \--
> 
> I, uh, I do not speak French. I have not studied French. I asked my friends who have for help and this was the result. So if you have any suggestions for this, let me know. It's one line, but it took me like three hours.
> 
> If you don't know what red long johns look like, then I suggest you familiarize yourself.
> 
> [UPDATE! Now with gorgeous art by cissyswonderland! Give it a look!](http://cissyswonderland.tumblr.com/post/111188252140/i-really-cant-deal-with-perksofbeingawaifus)

“We’re ten minutes out from lunch!” Levi informed the bus. “You can go to any of the fast food joints, but you must, MUST, be back on the bus by—“ he checked his watch “1330 hours. Don’t be late. We will leave without you.”

“Mr. A!” called one oblivious girl. “There isn’t a thirteen o’clock.”

“Mr. Ackerman means 1:30PM,” Eren addressed her concerns, standing up next to Levi.

Levi rolled his neck and squinted his eyes at the taller man.

“Welch!”

“Yes Coach?” she jumped.

“How’s it looking?”

“All done!”

“Let me see,” he snapped his fingers and looked over her French test.

He handed it back to her with a few parts circled.

“Oh, Mr. Kirstein says it’s okay if we use that form,” Welch informed him, biting her lip as other students started exiting the bus, shifting from foot to foot.

“Well, that’s because Mr. Kirstein got his degree from a state school,” he sighed. “You know why I did this?”

“Because you’re a sadist?” she asked, twirling her ponytail with her sparkly nails.

“Yes, but also if you don’t make eligibility you don’t get to play. Now why is that bad?”

“Because I’ve got the best overhand serve in the entire state?” she asked, flexing her arm.

“Yeah you do. Look at that, Jaeger!” Levi pointed at her flexed bicep. “That thing’s like a cannon. But Emma what happens if you can’t play? That means no winning state, and that means no scouts and no scouts means no volleyball scholarship and no scholarship means no college and no college means no sophomore year abroad in Paris. Imagine one day you’re just lounging by the _Fontaines de la Concorde_ and, look, who’s that? It’s the cute one from One Direction.”

“Harry?” Welch wrinkled her nose.

“Sure. Harry. And he falls in love and you two get married and give birth to One Direction 2.”

“Okay.”

“You’ll thank me in your wedding speech. So what do we say?”

“Please Coach?” she begged. “Can I please sit with my friends? Please? Please?”

“Ah, _en Francaise, s’il vous plaît_.”

“ _S’il vous plait, Coach,_ _est-ce que je peux rejoindre mes amis?"_

“ _Oui_.” He tapped her nose with her take home test and she seized it and her backpack and raced away.

Levi watched her go suck face with her boyfriend and Ms. Brzenska scold them.

“I worry about the boy obsessed ones,” Levi mourned. “They think their purpose is to help the men in their life shine instead of shining bright on their own. Ah well. _C’est la vie.”_

“How long have you been coaching the girls’ varsity volleyball team?” Eren asked.

“A few years now,” Levi shrugged.

Eight years. Eren knew it was eight years. Because that’s how many years the team had made it to states. Eren had only been to one game. Levi paced the sidelines in his blue polo shirt barking out orders and looking thoroughly pissed by every ref call. Everyone could see them practice in the gymnasium, Levi piping on the whistle in his mouth.

Emma Welch threw herself on her friends and they all hugged her.

“Yo Coach!” one of them shouted. “I got an A- on my Bio test!”

“What’s your GPA at?” Levi shouted back.

“Holding steady at 3.5 Coach.”

“Good. Keep it there and maybe I’ll write you that recommendation letter,” he said and she pumped her fist in victory. Then to Eren, “I’m probably going to write it anyway. Do you know how hard it is to raise your GPA once it’s fallen? Extremely. And she volunteers twice a week at the food pantry.”

He looked like a father beaming with pride and Eren could only stop and watch the short man walk away, confusion spreading across his face once more.

<*>

They arrived at Camp Shiganshina just as snow was starting to fall and settle in the pine trees.

“Ah the great outdoors,” Levi sighed happily. “Look at this place. Look at all these big ass trees. It’s like a goddamn postcard.”

The students were all in the large two cabins nearest the mess hall, girls in the Snowshoe Hare cabin to the left and boys in the Stellar Jay cabin to the right. Each cabin had a parent chaperone so the teachers were left to bunk in the counselor cabins.

“This is the year,” Mike informed Levi. “I’m gonna get with the camp director, you just watch me.”

“Ooo,” Petra teased. “Director Nanaba.”

“I’ve been working her for the past three years, you just watch. It’ll happen,” Mike insisted.

“Big guy couldn’t close the deal if it was a barn door,” Nile laughed.

“Hello again!” Director Nanaba smiled at the chaperones. “Nice to see you all again, and some new faces too! I’m the director of Camp Shiganshina, Ms. Nanaba. The kids are getting set up and while they’re doing so I thought I’d give you all the cabin assignments. We have three cabins reserved for you, so obviously it’s two to a cabin. We have cabins…” she scrolled a finger down her clipboard “Maria, Rose, and Sina. Now some are a little closer than others to the mess hall so you’ll have to decide who is which one.”

“Well us girls are together,” Petra said and Rico nodded. “So we should get Cabin Maria, seeing as it’s the closest.”

“Fuck that,” Nile spat. “You don’t get special treatment just because you’re girls.”

“Arm wrestle for it,” Mike said, flexing (although this was mostly for Director Nanaba’s benefit).

“I’m game for arm wrestling,” Levi said.

 “Foosball,” Nile insisted.

“That’s not a fair test!” Petra stamped her foot.

“Which, uh, which cabin are you in?” Mike asked Nanaba.

“The one right by Rose, so if you have any questions you can ask me,” she responded cheerily.

 “Rock, Paper, Scissors?” Eren asked.

“Oh,” Petra said blinking. “That’s actually a good idea. What do you think Mr. Dawk?”

“I will school your bitchass, Jaeger. I will smash all your scissors, I will cut all your paper,” Nile beat his chest competitively while Eren leaned away from him.

“Sounds good,” Rico agreed.

“Okay, then it’s settled,” Petra smiled, “Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide—SEE YOU LOSERS!” she suddenly took off, Rico fast on her heels.

“Goddamnit Petra!” Nile said, tripping over his own feet to beat her to the best cabin.

“Ahahaha!” Petra and Rico slammed the door victoriously in Nile’s face.

“Oh hell no,” Levi said as Mike claimed the Rose cabin.

Nile cheated by body checking Levi into a snowbank.

“Looks like you two slowpokes get Cabin Sina,” Nile said to Levi and a disbelieving Eren.

To call it a cabin was generous. Whereas the other two had bright lighting and warm interiors, Cabin Sina was basically a tool shed with a woodstove, an electric space heater, and one swinging light bulb that had several dead flies inside.

“Home sweet home,” Eren gave a lame laugh as Levi’s lip curled. Then when Levi continued his angry silence, Eren continued, “Hey, it’s not so bad. Look bunkbeds!”

He indicated the sad looking wire bedframe and the cardboard thin mattresses which were stained questionable colors.

“I haven’t been in a bunkbed since college,” he laughed at the memory.

“So last year?” Levi asked.

“Ha,” said Eren darkly.

“Right, if we’re going to be roomies, I have a few rules.”

“Sure Levi. Anything to make you comfortable,” Eren said diplomatically.

Twenty minutes later, panting on his hands and knees, Eren was sorely regretting his attempts to bond with his coworker.

“I didn’t think this is what you had in mind!” he swore as his shirt snagged on a nail.

“I can’t sleep in such a dirty place, make sure you get everything out from under there. I’m not leaving scraps of paper near where they could catch fire!”

Levi forced him to sweep out the entire cabin and while Eren was busy tidying under the wood stove, he was wiping down the windows.

“He’s got you doing grunt work I see,” Petra said knocking on the front door. “Rico wrote up an itinerary. You and Hanji—err, Eren have Team B, so you’re off tonight, but have breakfast prep nice and early tomorrow!

The schedule was devised so that one group prepped for each meal and one group did cleanup. There were three groups so for Breakfast, Prep was Team B and Cleanup was Team A. Lunch, Prep was Team C and Cleanup was Team B. Which meant Levi and Eren had to get up a good hour, hour and a half earlier than their comrades. Another part of Rico’s leadership retreat was that students were supposed to gain “Leadership Points™.” What merited a Leadership Point™ was incredibly vague. “Supported a teammate,” “led a group discussion,” “showed initiative” were all on the list. The group that won the most Leadership Points™ was rewarded with a pizza and ice cream party. The person with the most Leadership Points™ received a small trophy (and also the ability to put the award on their college app). Only teachers could give out Leadership Points™ and over the years the competition steered itself in an unhealthy direction. Hanji and Levi’s team had won for three years in a row now. Levi rarely gave out points. It was such a well-known fact that some students requested his points count for double the amount as other teachers. But Petra’s desire to have everyone succeed combated Levi’s spartan attitude, so it evened out.

“TEAM B,” Levi said into his coaching megaphone in the mess hall while Eren covered his ears. “You must be here at 0730 hours sharp tomorrow morning. No excuses. If you’re on time, you’re late.”

Levi marched straight back to the cabin (Rico and Dawk were on bedcheck duty) and Eren followed in the path cut in the snow by the smaller man. As Levi placed a fitted sheet over the gross mattress, Eren tried to make small talk.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m actually pretty excited for tomorrow. Teaching survival techniques is just something that kids forget about as we become more reliant on technology and—“

Levi pulled the cord on the swinging lightbulb, leaving Eren half-naked in the pitch black darkness.

“I—uh—okay. Night! I guess...”

Levi listened to Eren stumble around in the dark, trying and failing to be quiet. Levi gave an exaggerated sigh as Eren tried to step up onto the top bunk, flailing about like a windsock. They lay in the freezing dark, watching the snow fall outside the window in soft wet bundles like wisps of cotton. It was the stillness of two people who are both awake and painfully aware the other person is awake yet neither dared break the silence.

Levi’s alarm went off and he turned on the light without waiting to see if Eren had woken up. There was a loud complaining groan and then the squeak of springs as he rolled around in his sleeping bag in protest.

“I’m going to shower,” Levi informed him, grabbing his toiletries. “I’m not waiting for you so don’t be late or I swear—what are you wearing?”

Eren had half of his body over the edge of the bunk bed, giving Levi a perfect view of his red flannel clad backside.

“Huh?” Eren asked sleepily, smacking his mouth.

“What…what is this? What are you wearing?” Levi indicated with his toothbrush.

Eren looked down the buttons of his front and then back up at Levi.

“Long johns,” he said simply.

Levi felt his eyebrow twitch.

“ _Why?”_ he asked becoming more and more frustrated.

“The packing list said to bring layers.”

“Yes, I know. I brought long johns. _These_ —” he indicated the thermals in his hands “—these are long johns. That is…what even is that? You look like a lumberjack. Or an American Apparel ad.”

Eren’s one-piece red flannel long johns were a relic from a bygone era best left for cute kitschy gifts for children, not adults. Adults didn’t wear clothes like that. Eren shouldn’t be allowed in clothes like that. He shouldn’t look sexy in frumpy clothes! Eren looked positively sinful in the comfy underwear! Levi couldn’t take his eyes off the buttons that trailed down the entire length of his torso. He couldn’t help but stare at the two buttons on the dimples of his back for the butt flap—a butt flap!—which should have looked dumpy and bunched up but instead only showed off the cleft of that pert buttocks. Worst of it was the way the fabric clung to every inch of him. For instance Levi could tell that Eren was fairly endowed and Levi’s eyes betrayed him as he followed the way that bulge curved to the left. Fuck, Levi could tell what _religion_ he was.

Levi turned awkwardly on the spot, trying to force his eyes on the ceiling and Eren made to follow him.

“No! Jesus! Put some pants on top of those—that thing,” Levi said, stopping him from leaving.

Eren looked down and shrugged, pulling on his snow pants. He topped his morning time ensemble with his lime green snowboarding coat that had large reflective silver stripes on it. He followed Levi to the men’s showers and Levi kept looking behind him and then walking faster, as if hoping to lose Eren in the snow.

Levi’s first stop was at the urinals and he was less than enthused when Eren staggered up to the one next to him. He pulled down the front of his snow pants and undid the lowest button on the long johns. Levi tried not to look like he was watching him, but his peripheral vision couldn’t help it. Who wore stuff like that?

Eren finished and grunted, buttoning up and scratching at his chest, pulling the front buttons apart as he did so, giving Levi a glimpse at a smattering of crinkly chest hair on his tan chest. How was he tan? It was January! Levi sped around the corner to the showers, nearly knocking over a few freshmen standing around in their towels shivering. There weren’t very many students up at this hour, but the ones that were awake had congregated in front of the showers.

“What’s wrong?” Levi asked. “Is the heat not on?”

“There’s…there’s no shower curtains,” one whispered.

“Please,” Levi snorted. “It’s nothing you haven’t seen before.”

But they all stood there, with their gangly limbs and their pimply faces. They just stood there and Levi knew what he had to do.

Levi sighed and stripped, piling his things on the bench. They all turned around immediately and Levi knew he wouldn’t hear the end of it. “Did you hear Mr. A got totally nude?” “He just lets it all hang out!” And then of course it would devolve into debates of whether or not he actually had a tattoo or a bullet hole. God he hoped there was a rumor he had a bullet hole. That would be badass.

He worked up a lather and turned to let the water pressure hit the back of his neck. Brushing his bangs from his eyes, he saw he wasn’t the only one in the shower. He recognized the ass in the shower stall across from him. Eren’s ass was shockingly pale compared to his back, his tan line cut across the base of his spine. It was like someone had dip dyed him in bronze but forgot his cheeks. Levi turned back to the shower control and turned it to cold.

Levi finished his shower quickly. He’d left his towel on the bench in front of his stall which unfortunately meant he’d left it in front of Eren’s stall as well and as he reached for it he accidentally made eye contact with Eren. Eren had both elbows propped up against the shower stalls, letting the water spill down his back and Levi could count every single rib on his muscular chest. Eren gave Levi a sleepy grin before yawning again and Levi gave him a withering glare for Eren’s breach of shower room etiquette. There was a certain amount of decorum that was to be followed and making eye contact with another naked man was not on the list.

Levi wasted no time pulling his thermals on. It was freezing outside the shower room. He set about brushing his teeth and found himself angry when Eren chose the sink next to him. Levi spit and went to take a shit. As he opened the stall door, Eren made to follow into the stall next to him and Levi finally had enough.

“No,” he said, pushing Eren away from the toilets. “No.”

Eren rolled his eyes.

“Can’t even take a shit,” Eren muttered.

“Following me everywhere like a goddamn puppy,” Levi grumbled.

They both slammed their stall doors shut. Levi’s morning constitutional was interrupted by a very loud shriek.

“What was that?” Eren asked, racing out.

Levi calmly went to the sinks to wash his hands.

“Did you hear that?” Eren said pulling the door to stick his head out.

“Please tell me you’re going to wash your hands before you touch every surface,” Levi said, holding his hands under the dryers.

“You heard that right?” Eren asked, complying with Levi’s request.

“Yes.”

“What was that?”

“War,” Levi said very seriously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WAR.
> 
> \--
> 
> So the inspiration for this fic was #1: because it's getting cold outside and #2 I wanted a winter scene between Levi and Eren in Büsker Dü's and Don'ts, but really couldn't work it in, and #3 because of the red long johns.
> 
> Long ago, when I was in college, I kept hinting to my boyfriend that I wanted some sexy lingerie. He doesn't take hints very well so I finally told him outright that I wanted a sexy red number for Christmas. When Christmas rolled around, he proudly gave me a gift of full length red long johns--yes, complete with butt flap. Now, you think, "haha, what a funny guy." No. He was 100% sincere in his gift. He literally did not understand that I wanted Victoria's Secret. He thought he had done good. I had just gotten my wisdom teeth out and was SUPER hyped up on painkillers and so I just looked at them and then at him BEAMING with pride and then said, "no" and handed it back to him. 
> 
> "You...don't like them?"  
> "No, honey, it's a very terrible gift," I said, patting him on the hand. (Again, stoned out of my mind on Vicodin--never again).  
> "Oh."
> 
> He sent it back, still very confused. Only when I finally came down from the painkillers (Mom took them away almost immediately because she thought I'd get addicted) did I finally realize the absurdity of the situation.
> 
> So naturally, when I decided was writing a winter fic, I knew I needed to have long johns in it. Cue my husband going, "Oh NOW you think they're sexy!" and grumbling in the background the entire time I wrote this.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No Such Thing”//John Mayer
> 
>  
> 
> _“Boys, line up!” he instructed._  
>  _They did so slowly, most nudging each other and laughing at Levi’s furious expression._  
>  _“Have a late night?” he asked them, walking down the line, checking to see who looked the most exhausted, pausing when he came to a freckly boy whose mouth kept twitching. “Do you think this is funny?”_  
>  _“No,” the boy said in a laugh. The laugh stilled in his throat under Levi’s glower._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr is [perksofbeingawaifu](http://perksofbeingawaifu.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I have not yet thought of a tracking tag. I was thinking #fic: longjohns but that tag is already just 90% dick pix.
> 
> If you like, please leave kudos or comments! I really appreciate reading your comments, they keep me so motivated.
> 
> \--
> 
> The following is based on a (mostly) true story. It is perhaps my most favorite chapter.

“We got hit, Coach,” MacDowell, a senior girl with her dark hair in long twists said, stopping in front of Levi like a private awaiting orders.

Levi nodded curtly, continuing towards the girls restrooms.

MacDowell followed next to him.

“They got us in the night. Shaving cream everywhere. They put gum in Mary Beth Ostrander’s hair.”

“Where’s Ms. Brzenska and Miss Ral?”

“They…they got the worst of it, Coach.”

“I’m sorry, what’s happening?” Eren said trailing behind them.

Levi looked back at him and exchanged a look with the junior setter.

“I can’t recommend you go in there, Coach!” Bilsky informed Levi as he approached, crossing her arms as she stood guard in front of the women’s restroom, but he blew her off.

War was right, Eren thought, surveying the scene.

“Careful, don’t slip,” Bilsky cautioned.

“Slip in…what is that?” Eren asked, looking at the bottoms of his boots.

“FIFTEEN YEARS,” Rico raged. “Fifteen years I’ve been a teacher. I created this program from scratch. I oversee the National Honors Society! One of my students is a state senator! And now? What am I? I’m the _lube_ teacher.”

She continued flinging bits of lube off her fingers, trying not to slip. Levi carefully avoided getting any on himself.

“Whoa steady,” Eren said, grabbing her arm.

“What’re you crying about?” Levi snapped at a sophomore who was sniffling.

“The bucket hit me in the head when it fell,” she explained, her chin wobbling.

Levi eyed the lump above her eyebrow and stepped outside.

“Here,” he said, packing snow in his hands. “Put some ice on it.”

“…Well, let’s get you into a shower to wash that off,” Eren was saying to Rico as she continued ranting.

“There’s a separate water heater for the bathrooms and those little shits turned off the hot water and it takes over an hour to heat up again,” Rico railed.

“Where’s Petra?” Levi asked.

“Here,” came a small whimper by the toilets.

Levi turned the corner and found her standing awkwardly with her legs apart.

“Oh they got me, ooo they got me,” she hissed in pain, pacing in front of the stalls, looking and sounding a great deal like a woman in labor.

“Icy Hot on the toilet seats?” Levi guessed.

“Yup!” she squeaked. “Do you know what Icy Hot on your bum feels like Levi?”

“No, but I can guess.”

“It’s not good, Levi!”

“I bet.”

“Hooboy, it’s okay girl,” she said trying to wave air onto her backside.

“That’s why I don’t ever sit on the seats!” Rico shouted around at her. “I just hover. Like a UFO. Thank you Pilates squats!”

“Permission to handle this?” Levi asked Rico.

“ _Please_ ,” she begged, wiping lube off her glasses.

<*>

“OUT!” Levi shouted into his megaphone, the men’s bathroom door swinging shut behind him. “ALL OF YOU OUT! ALL BOYS HEAD TO THE MESS HALL NOW IMMEDIATELY! DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT $200!”

Twenty minutes later all of the boys had been rounded up and they all stood at the front of mess hall most still in their pajamas. The girls were all gathered by the tables. Most looked thoroughly embarrassed to have the boys see them in their pajamas and one girl had a whole jar of peanut butter in her hair as her friends worked desperately trying to get the gum out. But every single one of them was furious, some grinding their teeth or tugging on their braids in annoyance and some crying out of pure frustration.

Levi piped on his whistle and given the early hour everyone clapped their hands over their ears and grumbled.

“Boys, line up!” he instructed.

They did so slowly, most nudging each other and laughing at Levi’s furious expression.

“Have a late night?” he asked them, walking down the line, checking to see who looked the most exhausted, pausing when he came to a freckly boy whose mouth kept twitching. “Do you think this is funny?”

“No,” the boy said in a laugh. The laugh stilled in his throat under Levi’s glower.

“I’m going to give you all the chance to confess. Whoever is responsible for the shaving cream attack and the condom water balloons and the lube bucket and the Icy Hot on the toilet seats must step forward now. If you don’t all of you will all be punished.”

No one dared step forward. Levi was proud to see that none of them narced on one another. Good. That made his job more pleasant.

“Fine then,” he said. “Now I have here in my hand—“ he held up the graph paper pad he took with him everywhere “—a written apology. I am going to read this and all of you are going to repeat what I say to your classmates—to your peers—sitting there.” Levi indicated the seated students.

“Dear Girls,” he started and the boys all mumbled along.

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you,” Levi pressed.

“DEAR GIRLS!” they shouted.

“No, don’t tell me, you’re not apologizing to me, you’re apologizing to them!” Levi pointed to the girls.

“Dear Girls!” they shuffled, wiping their noses, avoiding eye contact.

“Oh and I forgot. For every word in this speech, you need to give me one pushup.”

“Are you kidding me?” one kid asked incredulously.

“And I mean a military pushup. You must come down all the way. Well, come on!”

They grudgingly fell to the floor.

“Butts down,” he instructed as they tried to make it easier on themselves. “Now from the top! DEAR—“

“DEAR!” the boys panted, their weak arms attempting to bend.

“GIRLS!” Levi read from his paper. “No that won’t do, Derek. Watch me.”

Levi dropped down in front of the slacking student and executed a perfect pushup. The boys all stared agog at the small man and his impeccable form.

“WE!” Levi hopped back up and read from his paper.

“We!” came the weak response.

“ARE.”

“Are!”

“SO.”

“So!”

“SO!”

“So!”

“ _SO_ ,” Levi’s lips curled as they all gave a loud groan.

“So!” they gasped, arms shaking like aspen branches.

“VERY.”

“Very!”

“VERY!”

“Very!”

“I love it when he gets angry,” Nile said, elbowing Mike. “My nips get so hard. They’re like diamonds right now.”

Mike gave a low chuckle while Eren looked horrified as Levi added another eight “very”’s.

“SORRY!”

“Sorry.”

“What say you ladies?” Levi asked them. “Do you accept their apology?”

“NO!” they booed.

The rest of the speech went something like, “And we promise to never, never, never, never, NEVER do anything like that again.” By the end of it only a few seniors were still able to raise their arms.

“What’s the matter?” Levi asked them. “Too hard? You’re wimping out on me.”

He dropped down again and gave a few expert pushups, clapping his hands together between each one and the boys collapsed in a puddle.

“I still have half of a page to go!” Levi informed them, jumping up and waving the page, which Eren now saw was blank. “But I suppose that’s good enough.”

All of the boys cried from the floor.

Levi put the paper over his mouth to mutter to Eren, “God, I love this job.”

“Now you boys are going to clean up the women’s restroom and dorm, except for those of you who have breakfast prep. The men’s and Mess Hall restrooms will be off-limits while the girls use them.”

“But Mr. A!” called one of the freshman who was crossing his legs. “Where are we supposed to go?”

“Well gentlemen,” Levi said, his flint eyes flashing dangerously. “Pick a tree.”

<*>

The rest of the morning went by with little incident.

Mike and Nile watched the boys clean the girl’s toilets.

“Is this good enough Mr. Dawk?” one begged him.

“I don’t know,” Nile said flipping through his phone, bored. “It looks clean enough to me, but I would ask Mr. Ackerman if he thinks it’s good enough.”

“I want to be able to see my reflection in those seats!” Levi called checking on their progress before going back to supervising breakfast prep.

 A showered Rico tore through the boy’s dorms looking for evidence of their crimes.

“Look at these pigs,” she told Eren, plugging her nose.

The boys’ dorms smelled like ass-flavored Axe Body Spray and Wendy’s Double Bacon Cheeseburgers and it had only been one night.

“Aha!” she cackled triumphantly, picking up a large container of lube. “CONTRABAND!”

“Uh…” Eren said awkwardly.

“Contraband!” she shrieked in glee, picking up a box of condoms.

“Um,” Eren tried again.

“Look Levi,” Rico said, her eyes full of zeal, carrying armfuls of confiscated items into the mess hall. “ _Evidence_.”

“You doing better?” Eren asked Petra, who was sitting in one of the lounge chairs in front of the mess hall fireplace, her legs parted.

“It’s onto the heated part, which actually feels kindof nice,” she said, eyes closed.

“Can I just state, for the record, that I think it’s a bad idea to confiscate condoms?” Eren said raising his hand. “We shouldn’t be teaching them that protection is a bad thing.”

“These aren’t prophylactics, these are weapons. They filled a bunch with water and rigged them to fall on us when we opened the dorm door. Do you know what happens to condoms when you fill them with water, leave them out in below freezing temperatures, and then rig a tarp to drop them?” Rico glowered.

“Uh…” Eren did not.

“They don’t break, because they’re not supposed to break. But they really hurt when they hit you in the head. They created a bunch of dicksicles.”

“Oh.”

“Also they put a bunch of lubed condoms over all the door handles and it’s just—just why? Why are boys so gross?” Petra complained from her chair.

“I might agree with the kid here, Rico,” Levi nodded and Eren beamed. “Last thing we need is someone to get knocked up on this retreat.”

Except how he handled it was by standing on a chair and busting out his megaphone to shout, “Ms. Brzenska confiscated a box of condoms during the inspection so if these belong to you and you would like them back you may retrieve them from Mr. Jaeger.”

<*>

The day was reserved for survival techniques like “what to do if you’re stranded in the woods?” called “Hunger Games day” by the kids, which Eren was excited for. He wanted to get back to the purpose of the trip which he felt got lost somewhere in the first five minutes of the bus ride. The camp instructors had set up several stations and the teachers divided the students into several smaller groups.

Levi ignored the tall camp instructor’s helpful advice and began constructing his own teepee styled fire. He struck the flint and a few twigs would light but then the fire would go out. He tried again and Eren left his group at the knot table to help him.

“Did you gather dried branches?” he asked cheerily over Levi’s head. Levi squinted at him. He was wearing his lime green snowboarding coat and a teal Turtle Fur neck warmer. 50 shades of how not to dress. Who dressed him?

“Everything’s covered in snow.”

“If you stick some bark under it—“

Levi grabbed some lighter fluid and doused the whole thing before lighting a match.

“Quit bothering me and go back to your own group before—“

Eren turned around to see one of his kids pretending to hang himself with a piece of rope and he left to intervene.

But then when Eren was at the fire building station, he lit his without aid of matches or even a flint. He just rolled a stick in his hands until it caught. And when it did, the whole thing lit up and several students cheered.

“Wow, Mr. J! You’re like Bear Grylls!”

“Well aren’t you a boy scout?” Levi sneered, looking covetously at Eren’s fire.

“Yes,” Eren said simply.

“Yes what?”

“I was an Eagle Scout.”

“Well, whoop de doo.”

“Hey, at least I’m trying to get into the spirit here.”

“Do you know what the purpose of any of this is?”

“To teach the students survival skills while helping their self-esteem and encouraging their leadership skills?”

“No, it’s because some girl died from exposure one year because she got really drunk and her friends left her passed out on her front porch.”

“That’s so sad,” Eren said open-mouthed.

“I know,” Levi said, frowning. “But that’s what this is. To keep them from doing something stupid. To keep them alive long enough to graduate.”

“When did you become such a cynic?” Eren asked.

“I’m not a cynic, I’m just being realistic.”

“Why are you even a teacher?” Eren asked throwing his hands up.

“What are you talking about?” Levi looked at him confusedly. “Teaching is my passion.”

“Ha!” Eren laughed, but Levi was still staring at him with the same expression. “Oh…I thought you were joking.”

Levi shook his head and walked away, grumbling the entire time.

“Sorry I—“ Eren started and then scratched his head.

“Jaeger!” shouted Nile and Eren spun on the spot.

“Yes, Mr. Dawk?” Eren said pleasantly.

“The fuck bro? Did you seriously give out three Leadership Points™??”

“…Yes?”

“Why?”

“Because I thought the students showed exceptional initiative during the foraging station—“

“When are you taking me to dinner?”

“What?”

“When are you taking me to dinner? Because you need to take me to dinner before you fuck me over like that!”

“What I—I’m not trying to fuck you over!”

“You gave three people on my team, _my team_ , Leadership Points™. You can’t do that shit. You space it out, you give one to your own team, then one to Petra’s and Rico’s team, you don’t just pile it all on one team!”

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t really paying attention to what teams the students were on. Also, it means a lot to them. These are highly motivated students, that’s why they’re here.”

“Bullshit!” Mike called from the shelter station.

“Bullshit,” Nile hissed. “I only nominated Christian here because I felt sorry for him because his parents are getting a divorce!”

“My parents aren’t getting a divorce,” Christian said shaking his head, having heard his name. “Dad just likes sleeping at the motel because of mom’s snoring—oh my god, my parents are getting a divorce.”

“Do you know who pays for the pizza and ice cream party if the kids win?” Nile asked.

“The school—“

“No! We do! And no one wants to pay for that shit. I got bills man! Here, look at my girlfriend—“ Nile shoved his phone in Eren’s face. “You see that Jaeger? That’s a ten right there. And she is not cheap. It’s like I always say, ‘You can build her a castle or you can tear it down.’”

“…Right.”

“You can build her a castle or you can tear it down,” Nile repeated, patting Eren on the shoulder. “So just be careful who you give your points to. Hey, actually we should team up and keep giving all the points to Petra and Rico’s team. You know. Bros before hoeBOKEN, NEW JERSEY!” Nile finished staring at the sky because Rico had come up at the end of his speech.

“Nice, really nice Nile,” she snapped.

“I think there’s something on fire over here,” he said escaping, but when Rico’s back was turned he pointed his fingers at his eyes and then at Eren.

“Nice coat. It’s very…reflective,” Rico said. “Hey I wanted to come over and thank you for keeping a cool head during all of the drama this morning.”

“It was no problem,” Eren said, shrugging.

“And I’m really glad you like my Leadership Point™ system and have embraced it so readily.”

“I think it’s a great idea and really motivates the kids,” Eren beamed.

“I’m especially happy that you’ve decided to tank Nile’s team,” Rico said, her grey frames flashing.

“…I’m sorry, what?”

“He and Mike have skated by every single year at this retreat. They have never once had to pay for a party. So I’m glad you’re stickin’ it to him.”

“Look, I think you’ve maybe misunderstood me. I’m giving out points for the students, not for some game of hot potato where you try to throw responsibility for the pizza party at each other.”

“You know who says things like that?” Rico said smiling, patting his shoulder. “People who shell out $50 for pizza.”

Eren watched her walk away, his jaw twitching. His day did not get better from there. During lunch prep, Levi forced the students to wash every dish twice and gave Eren a dressing down in front of all them for his “shoddy mop work” and Eren could only grin and bear it. He decided to butter Levi up because he had a serious request to make of him and the other chaperones so he offered to do the remainder of the lunch cleanup, but Levi refused saying Eren wouldn’t get rid of him that easily. Eren sighed but kept up his fake smile to appease Levi.

After dinner clean-up, when there was little for the chaperones to do, Eren did the one thing he knew would placate Levi.

“Here, I got you some tea,” Eren said, handing Levi his mug.

Levi stared at it before hesitantly taking it.

“It needs to be washed out before and after each use or else the tea tastes stale—“

“I washed it,” Eren said smiling so hard his cheeks were beginning to hurt.

Levi glared at him, then took a cautious sniff.

“Tastes okay,” he offered after a sip.

“Of course it does!” Eren grinned and Levi narrowed his eyes, but never bothered to give Eren so much as a ‘Thank you!’

Then, to Eren’s horror, Levi pulled out a small flask and offered it to Eren.

“You want some?”

“What? No!” Eren was aghast.

“Okay,” Levi shrugged and hid it back in his Goretex coat before heading over to Rico and Petra.

Eren watched as both women tipped the flask into their hot cocoa, giggling as they did so. Mike sniffed the air, picking out the scene of booze and he and Nile came over, each taking a swig. Before long, every one of the parent chaperones had a cup of cocoa spiked with peppermint schnapps.

“Want some Eren?” Petra giggled at him.

“No, thank you,” Eren said through gritted teeth.

They all sat at the table, cheeks and noses pink from the booze and Eren realized, despite his disapproval, that this was his opportunity.

“Hey so, I’ve been talking to a lot of the students and a lot of them think it would be fun to have a talent show,” Eren said brightly, adopting his fake smile again.

“Oh no,” Rico shook her head. “That is a bad idea.”

“Well, I thought we could put a signup sheet and I would oversee the show so it would be no extra work for you guys. We could have it on the last night.”

“No Eren,” Mike said solemnly. “You don’t want to do that. Trust me. Talent shows are the worst. It’s just a half hour of painfully awkward teenagers singing into their hairbrushes and then an hour of crying when they get made fun of for it.”

“I don’t think anyone will make fun of the performers. And some of the kids have real talent! Did you know that Robbie Monroe can play guitar? And Tracy juggles. Nupur won second place at a slam poetry event last year!”

“We just don’t think it’s a good idea,” Petra said patting his hand kindly.

“Well I do!” Eren blurted out loudly, jumping up and they all looked surprised by his outburst. He coughed a little, “I mean, Levi, back me up here?”

Levi, who looked very surprised at being addressed, looked up from his cup of tea at those pleading green eyes.

“Eren,” he said cautiously. “It’s just that—“

“Oh forget it!” Eren spat, grabbing his coat and storming down the hall.

They watched him open the side door and go around the side of the building. They all took the stairs so they could spy on him from the second story windows. Eren clearly thought he was hidden as he angrily paced back and forth between two birch trees, his mouth moving as though he were shouting at someone.

“Look at him, he looks like Kevin Bacon in that Footloose scene,” Nile laughed.

“Mr. J has got some serious rage issues,” Mike agreed as Eren kicked the bark off one tree.

“You guys,” Petra said in a sudden epiphany. “It wasn’t me this year!”

By which she meant it wasn’t she who had the breakdown this year.

“Someone should go tell him we can all see him,” Rico sighed, sipping at her cocoa.

They all looked down the line at Levi. He sighed.

“Kid,” Levi called once he was all bundled up.

“What!?” Eren shouted, kicking a chunk of snow.

“Really? All this because no one liked your talent show idea? Look, you want to do a talent show, then do a talent show. No one is going to stop you.”

“Fuck you.”

“Oh wow, we’re going to be like that now are we?” Levi stared him down like Eren was a toddler having a tantrum.

“You know what? When Erwin asked for someone to take over Hanji’s position on this trip, I jumped at the chance! You know why?”

“No,” Levi said because he really had no idea.

“Because I think it’s a great idea and I wanted to get to know you because you’re kind of a legend at school and I thought I could learn a lot. But this whole thing—you—have just been, it’s all just been one big disappointment.”

Eren finished his rant and brushed past Levi, knocking into him with his shoulder

“I’m going to bed,” he muttered.

Eren felt a little silly following his outburst once he had calmed down. When he heard Levi enter the cabin, he pretended to be asleep, staring out the window they were pushed up against. This place was so isolated and removed. His nose kept running and he tried to blame it on how freezing it was inside.

Levi turned on the light long enough to slip into his PJs and then crawled into his sleeping bag, Eren keeping his back to him the entire time.

When Levi’s alarm went off, Eren ignored it, rolling over onto his side. He’d wait for his own alarm to go off.

“Rise and shiiiine,” Levi whispered and Eren jolted awake.

“The fuck?” he asked sleepily, because Levi was already fully dressed from head to toe in black. “What…what time is it even?”

“Three,” Levi informed him. “C’mon up up!”

“What? No! I’m going back to bed.”

“Fine,” Levi shrugged as Eren rolled over.

Eren sighed, sitting up hunched over so he wouldn’t hit his head on the ceiling.

“Why are we getting up this early?” Eren asked.

Levi pulled on a black cap over his inky hair.

“Vengeance, Jaeger. Vengeance.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw, Eren calling Levi a disappointment. :C
> 
> Don't worry, Levi has a plan with that Schnapps. 
> 
> \--
> 
> During Cross Country camp, it was pretty typical for there to be attacks from the boys on the girl's dorms. We didn't have many chaperones and our Coach was fairly deaf so the boys got away with a lot. They snuck into our dorms and shaving creamed every one, but our situation had a twist: WE HAD A MOLE. Fucking Emma [last name redacted] snuck the boys inside. Fucking RedactedEmma. She also kept sneaking out the window by my bunk bed to go out and smoke and bang her boyfriend. But she would wake me up to do it going, "You're not gonna narc on me are you?" No RedactedEmma, I wouldn't have narced on you, but now that you woke me up at 3AM I am seriously considering it.
> 
> Anywho, these kinds of pranks do not go unnoticed in the middle of the night. We all woke up and sleepily showered to get rid of the shaving cream. I found out the wrong way what Icy Hot on a toilet seat feels like. And no, I didn't get it on my bum. I got it somewhere worse.
> 
> Now our Coach was not a hard-ass like Levi, but he didn't tolerate nonsense. His main punishment for boys acting out was to have them ride with his wife on away meets (which should tell you how terrifying SHE was). Our Coach had these coke bottle glasses and was the most boring man alive. I had him for two math classes and nearly fell asleep during each one. He gave these long winded speeches on sportsmanship and work ethic and teamwork (because even though CC is a solo sport, supporting each other is just as important). I didn't really appreciate these speeches (because he would also talk at great length about his prostate problems and prostate health so...) but I do now (not the prostate ones). He was absolutely LIVID that the boys had dared insult their teammates. So he doled out his push-up punishment, which was the best thing to watch as he composed the most long winded apology possible. Only one boy was able to do the whole thing. If you've ever seen a line of boys on their hands and knees begging for your forgiveness...well it's beautiful. After his long apology, he started in on yet another speech about how we're a team and we're family and the poor man got so choked up with emotion and couldn't finish his speech that his wife had to finish it for him.
> 
> Oh man, I miss those people. This is the last of my ending note story time bits. ;)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Heard It Through the Grapevine”//Marvin Gaye
> 
> "Tit for tat. You tell me a rumor you’ve heard about me and I’ll tell you one I’ve heard about you.”  
> “I’m not sure if I want to know what the rumors about me are.”  
> “Suit yourself,” Levi shrugged.  
> “Okay, fine, I do want to know. But I have a caveat, which is you have to tell me if they’re true or false.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr is [perksofbeingawaifu](http://perksofbeingawaifu.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I have not yet thought of a tracking tag. I was thinking #fic: longjohns but that tag is already just 90% dick pix.
> 
> If you like, please leave kudos or comments! I really appreciate reading your comments, they keep me so motivated.
> 
> \--
> 
> Oh so I forgot to tell you another mini story from last chapter. The bit with Nile and the "You can build her a castle or you can tear it down," is a real thing I overheard. I was at a coffee shop and overheard this guy pitching a pyramid scheme for THREE fucking HOURS to this Payless shoes employee. And the guy kept leveraging the shoe employee's love for his girlfriend against him saying, "I am able to buy my wife the best house, the best car, and still have a lot leftover because you know women be shopping. It's like I always say, you can build her a castle or you can tear it down." And it just seemed like something Nile would say. And this guy said it like 20+ times. As his pitch was winding down, I started bringing up pictures of Admiral Ackbar going, "It's a trap!" and pictures of pyramids and angling them at the Payless guy hoping he'd not agree to the scheme. I think it worked.

The snow was falling so lightly and slowly in the morning that each flake appeared suspended in time as Eren and Levi made their way to the restroom to ready for the day. Eren pulled down the front of his snow pants and unbuttoned the lowest button on his long johns, leaning his face against the wall as he did so. Levi finished and gave Eren a light tap on the shoulder as he had fallen asleep against the wall.

Shower, teeth, and toilet time, then, in an act of generosity Levi handed Eren the auxiliary cable to plug into the camp’s speakers. Eren thumbed through his iPhone and then Levi’s before deciding on _Ride of the Valkyries._

“Nice,” said Levi.

“Thanks,” said Eren, adjusting the volume to full.

He hit the button and then the camp exploded.

“I love this job,” Levi sighed, sipping on his tea, as screams echoed from the boy’s dorms.

After the incident with the girls’ dorm, Levi had put in a special call to Hanji. How would she handle this, he asked her? Well, she wouldn’t have let it happen to begin with, she informed him, and then proceeded to tell him exactly how to enact justice.

First step: Bribe one of the camp counselors to go into town and buy emergency provisions (aka: peppermint schnapps, Petra’s favorite). Second step: Dispense emergency provisions, rendering the other chaperones too sleepy to hear Levi and the girls’ volleyball team sneak into the boy’s cabin. Third step: While other chaperones are distracted, sneak the key for the pantry off of Rico’s person so the girls have access to Cool Whip. Fourth step (and this one wasn’t even part of Hanji’s scheming, Levi’s girls came up with it on their own): dip tampons in cherry Kool-Aid and place them in shoes, on pillows, in mittens—psychological warfare.

Eren was very helpful in executing their attack, showing the girls the proper knot they should use to secure the bucket of molasses so it wouldn’t fall and hurt anyone. Levi’s contribution was placing several poppers on the fan (standing on Eren’s shoulders to reach) so when the boys turned on the lights in the morning the fan would automatically come on and throw the fireworks down on top of the unsuspecting victims. He had to forcibly remove Welch who became preoccupied with sticking pads to her sleeping boyfriend’s face. Revenge was sweet. Then they packed the door shut with bricks of snow so when Eren and Levi blasted their morning tune, everyone was forced to exit through the window or claw their way out through the snow which had quickly solidified into a pretty chilly wall.

“Mr. A!” Perry ran up to Levi, a sanitary napkin flapping off of his cheek. “The girls attacked us in the middle of the night!”

“Perry, nobody likes a tattletale,” Levi dismissed.

<*>

“Being put on breakfast prep and lunch cleanup means no one will taste my amazing taco salad,” Levi complained, pulling eggs out and handing them to a junior.

“What even is taco salad?” Eren asked. “I have never heard of it before.”

“It’s disgusting. You take ground beef and tortilla chips and lettuce and cheese and toss them all together with ranch dressing.”

“How is that healthy?”

“It’s not. Look at this, they can’t even get us name brand chips. What even are these? Toritos? What are Toritos?”

He opened the bag and took a bite.

“If I’m being honest, I do not taste a difference. Whatever, my taste buds are shot. Here, c’mere Jaeger,” Levi motioned to the walk-in freezer. “Step into my office.”

Eren walked inside and Levi shut him in, putting all of his weight on the heavy door.

“Hey!” Eren shouted, pounding on the door. “Let me out of here you tyrannical midget!”

Levi pulled it open.

“See?” he said helpfully.

“No,” Eren replied, looking furious.

“Here, switch.”

Levi stepped inside the walk-in freezer and motioned for Eren to shut him in. It took all of Eren’s willpower not to prop a chair in front of it and leave Levi in there to freeze.

“I wanna fuck that pretty ass of yours!” Levi shouted.

Eren opened the freezer.

“Now what was the point of this exercise?” Eren asked confused.

“You couldn’t hear me now could you?” Levi nodded.

“I—no.”

“So next time you need time to cool off, you can come in here where no one can see you and scream your head off. I personally like to pretend this bag of rice is the fat head of whoever is pissing me off at the moment.”

“Why is ‘Jaeger’ written on that bag?” Eren pointed.

“Ignore that.” Levi waved his hand. “I just wanted you to know that if you needed to vent, here’s where you can do so.”

“That’s very…that’s very thoughtful of you, thank you.”

Levi left to make sure the kids were working on the scrambled eggs.

“You know you’re actually a great deal more reasonable that I thought you were,” Eren said, catching up to Levi.

“Thanks?” Levi tilted his head to the side. “No one has ever called me unreasonable before. Asshole, sure. But not unreasonable.”

“No, I mean, I heard rumors but—“

“Like what?”

“Oh, you don’t want to know,” Eren waved his hand.

“Oh but I do. Rumors are the lifeblood of a high school. You think you can escape it by being an adult but you can’t.”

“That’s awful. Well, then I’m not going to help spread them.”

“So you don’t want to know what rumors there are about you?”

“There are rumors about me?”

“Of course there are. New teacher? Directs the school play his first year? There’s plenty of you.”

“I’m sure there’s way more about you. You’ve been at this school how long?”

“Too long. Fine, then. Tit for tat. You tell me a rumor you’ve heard about me and I’ll tell you one I’ve heard about you.”

“I’m not sure if I want to know what the rumors about me are.”

“Suit yourself,” Levi shrugged.

“Okay, fine, I do want to know. But I have a caveat, which is you have to tell me if they’re true or false.”

Levi considered this.

“You get one pass,” Eren added. “Only one so use it wisely.”

“You’re on,” Levi said. “You first.”

“You used to be in the army.”

“Close! That one is nearly true. Air Force.”

“Oh…don’t they have a height requirement?”

“Wow, fuck you.”

“Did you get to fly planes?”

“No, I wasn’t a pilot. That I was too short for. By a smidge. I got to fly a simulator but mostly I was behind a computer screen. I got to go up once though. It was amazing. I’d love to get my pilot license and go up there some day.”

“Why don’t you?”

“Money.” He rubbed his thumb and forefinger together.

“Ah. Why’d you leave?”

“Well, I only joined up in the first place because it was really the only way I could afford to go to college. I didn’t see much a career there for me so I left, got my teaching degree. Plus, I didn’t agree with a lot of their policies.”

“Huh. Okay. What’s a rumor about me?”

“I’ll softball ‘em for you, because I don’t think you’d like some of the more offensive ones. You used to be a model.”

“Ha!” Eren laughed. “No, definitely not. False.”

“I figured as much. Nile would have found photos if they existed.”

“My turn. You threw a chair at a student.”

“That rumor surfaces every year. I threw a chair once—“

“What?”

“Once! And it wasn’t at a student it was just in their general direction to get them to pay attention.”

“You can’t throw chairs at students!”

“In their general direction!”

They stopped their talk as they checked up on how Tim Goldwater was doing flipping pancakes.

“See?” said Levi, clapping a hand on Tim’s shoulder, making him jump. “When they get little bubbles on the top that’s when you know they’re good to flip.”

Tim eyed the pancakes and picked the first one that had bubbles on it, flipping it but accidentally folding it in half.

“Eh, toss that one. First pancake is always garbage anyways. Keep at it. Practice makes perfect.”

Tim rolled his eyes.

“And I would practice a lot because if you don’t pick up your grades you’ll be working at the IHOP,” Levi nodded, taking a sip of his tea.

Eren sighed and gave Tim a commiserating look.

“Professional gamer,” Levi listed the next rumor, making his way over to see how the sausages were cooking.

“Like in high school,” Eren blinked. “How do people even know about that? I was in some local Starcraft competition. I didn’t place. That’s crazy, I can’t believe people heard about that.”

Kyle Miner had taken one of the cooked sausages and had undone his fly and kept running up to girls and pointing at it sticking out, shouting, “You want some of dis?”

Levi whipped one of the failed pancakes at him.

“Kyle, all you’re proving to people is that you’re a three incher,” Levi chastised and Kyle cowed as the girls laughed.

“Okay, this next one is ridiculous,” Eren said, holding a trash can out in front of Jessica Freemont who was chewing gum and seemed determined to lose it in the scrambled eggs. “I heard—from a teacher, mind you, not a student so that’s how crazy this is—that you have mob connections.”

“What teacher?”

“Oh, I can’t remember, but how crazy is that?” Eren laughed and nudged him. “So true or false?” he teased.

“Pass,” Levi deadpanned.

“W-what?”

“You said I get one pass, I’m using it.”

“Don’t waste your pass on something that silly.”

“Is it silly?” Levi cocked an eyebrow and took a sip of tea to hide the way his lips curled upwards in an almost smile.

“You’re so full of shit. There’s no way you’re in the mob.”

Levi shrugged.

“Okay fine then, what’s one about me?”

“You’re banging the physics teachers.”

“Armin? No he’s just my best buddy. False.”

“Debatable.”

“False,” Eren repeated. “And you’re banging Hanji the bio teacher right?”

“False.”

“C’mon.”

“False! She’s banging Erwin.”

“Lies.”

“She is. She told everyone she slipped in her driveway, but I know for a fact that his driveway is steep as shit so she definitely slipped there.”

“Wow.” Eren shook his head in disbelief.

“Also when I called her for help yesterday, I totally heard him in the background.”

Levi was pretty sure Erwin was the brains behind at least half of Hanji’s ideas. They were dangerous together.

“We shouldn’t be adding to the rumors about them,” Eren mused and Levi agreed.

“Gay porn,” came Levi’s rapid fire follow-up the second the teens were out of earshot.

“What?” Eren asked and then stopped.

“The rumor was you were in gay porn.”

Eren hesitated.

“P-pass,” he said.

“No,” said, Levi his mouth dropping open, pulling at Eren’s elbow. “No, c’mon you can’t pass on that.”

“I said pass!”

“That means yes!”

“No, it means I’m so insulted you would ask me such a question so I passed!”

“I didn’t ask you! It was just a rumor I heard. Oh man.”

“I said pass and that’s the end of it!” Eren huffed.

Levi chuckled.

“Divorced,” Eren said, but he was still a little bitter about the previous rumor so it sounded more like an accusation rather than a question.

“True,” Levi answered.

“…That’s it?”

“Hey you said we had to say if they were true or false, not give our life story,” Levi grumbled.

“Well, c’mon, every divorce has a story.”

“And those stories are always sad and boring as shit. Did you really hit Mr. Kirstein in the parking lot?”

“Pass.”

“You can’t pass, you already used your pass.”

“Fine, true, but I had a good reason.”

“Which was?”

Eren crossed his arms and glowered.

“I think we’ve established we don’t have to discuss the details already.”

“Excuse me, Mr. J?” one girl said as Eren automatically served her a heaping pile of eggs. “What here is vegetarian?”

“Eggs.”

“I’m not an ovo-vegetarian,” she said, switching plates with a friend.

“Hashbrowns,” Levi answered pointing at a different pan.

“So you’re telling me my only option is starch,” she said irritably, which naturally she would be irritated having eaten nothing but starch the entire trip.

“I don’t make the menu, Cassie,” Levi sighed. “In my house, you ate what you were given or you didn’t eat at all.”

“I take it you came from a house that didn’t care much about the exploitation of harmless animals!” she accused, eye twitching.

“What is it with kids these days?” Levi grumbled, serving the next student in line.

“C’mon Cassie, I’ll see if there’s some tofu I can scramble for you,” Eren said accommodatingly.

Levi didn’t know why he needed to be like that. Needed to be the hero. When everyone was served and some kids were going back up for seconds, Levi stripped his apron off and sat down at the teacher’s table.

“Pretty slick move last night,” Nile said conversationally.

“I don’t know what you’re referring to,” Levi said tucking his napkin into his collar.

“To which you are referring,” Eren corrected sitting next to him.

“What he said,” Levi indicated Eren, his napkin sticking out of his collar like a fancy tie.

“Please stop talking,” Petra said, her hands on her head. “I have the worst hangover.”

“Lightweight,” Mike said, using her migraine as a chance to sneak the sausages off her plate.

Eren watched the calculus teacher, who was always so composed and graceful, wolf down his meal like he was afraid someone would take his plate away. Judging by the looks on everyone else’s face, this was a common occurrence. No wonder he needed the napkin, Eren thought. How was he not choking? He chugged down a large glass of water before standing up and getting seconds, the cycle repeating itself.

“DUI,” Eren said, waiting for Levi to finish swallowing his meal like a python.

“Huh?” Levi asked, cheeks puffed up like a chipmunk as he began eating the remainder of everyone else’s plate. Mike blocked his fork with his knife and Levi glared at him.

“There was a rumor you got a DUI.”

“False,” Levi said, choosing instead to stab Mike with Eren’s fork long enough to snag part of Petra’s pilfered sausages. “Broadway?”

“Ha. Sortof false. I spent a good three months in New York auditioning for plays before realizing I was terrible at it.”

“What are you doing?” Nile asked.

“What’s the craziest rumor you’ve heard about yourself?” Eren asked Nile.

“Boobjob,” Petra said. “Look at them. These are all natural baby.”

“Well, we’re trading rumors. Sex with your aide, on the desk, during lunch,” Eren listed to Levi

“Definitely false. Sasha is more attracted to food than she is to me. Trust me, any noises people heard coming from my classroom during lunch are all her making love to her potato salad. I’ve banned her from eating in there since. That’s how you get ants.”

Eren laughed.

“Pot farmer,” Levi said. “You have a thirty acre farm where you grow quality kush.”

“False. Er. Well I used to have a tiny pot plant in my apartment in college. Never actually grew anything worth smoking. Also, I don’t have any thirty acres. Just a shitty apartment.”

“Yeah, that more seems like a rumor you heard about yourself, Levi,” Mike said. “You’ve got a huge yard.”

“He does,” Petra agreed. “I see you every Saturday when I go to yoga out on your riding mower with your little John Deere hat on.”

“Shut up,” Levi grumbled. “I happen to like a properly maintained piece of property.”

“Okay, speaking of. I heard you got in a fight with your neighbor and you hit him with a shovel—” Eren said.

“I didn’t hit him with a shovel. I politely suggested to him that he not blow all of his leaves onto my yard right after I spent all day raking it.”

“And police were called,” Eren continued.

“I broke his blower and he overreacted and called the police. I was gonna replace it. No need for him to get so pissy.”

“Oh man, I heard a good rumor about someone the other day. What was it?” Nile said with a hand to his ugly goatee. “Okay, someone’s wife left them for his best friend. Shit, who was it? Was that you, Levi?”

Levi ran his tongue over his gums and sucked his teeth.

“Yeah, that was him, I remember that,” Rico nodded.

Levi ripped his napkin into several strips and scattered them onto her plate.

“Hey!” she protested.

“Hey, I’m not on cleanup,” Levi said breezily, striding from the room.

“No wonder she left,” Rico complained. “He’s such a grouch.”

Eren agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw. I hate it when you try to bond with one particular person and they bring the whole group into it and take it out of your hands and use it against you. Poor Levi. I know the feel bruh.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The Wire”//HAIM
> 
> “Where are you going?” Eren asked.
> 
> “This whole thing is stupid, I’m leaving,” Levi said stormily. 
> 
> “Why are you mad?”
> 
> “I don’t appreciate being humiliated in front of my students is why.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr is [perksofbeingawaifu](http://perksofbeingawaifu.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Tracking tag is #fic: trlj
> 
> If you like, please leave kudos or comments!
> 
> \--
> 
> This is my ~*controversial*~ chapter, in that I'm not sure how people are going to take it.
> 
> **TW: revenge porn.**
> 
> I think revenge porn is disgusting and low and awful and people who post the intimate photos they took with their partner in order to humiliate them are chodenuggets. I'm glad that people are taking action to make laws against it. I don't think it's a funny subject and neither does Levi, hopefully his reaction makes sense by the end of the chapter. So now that I've spoiled the chapter somewhat, I'll leave you to it...

The morning was reserved for Team Building activities inside. Once again, the kids were broken down into new groups. The goal was for them to get to know other students outside their clique and age groups. Levi and Eren were once again paired together. When Rico had written the original schedule she had set it up so that Levi and Hanji were rarely apart and, also, no one else wanted to be in a group with Levi. The result was that he and Eren kept being thrust together and were starting to drive each other crazy.

Eren appeared to be in damage control mode after their rumor game, but was distracted by how rowdy the students were. Levi was more amused at watching Eren’s attempts to wrangle the boisterous group and offered no assistance.

“Okay, so this first game is called the Birthday Game.”

“More like BirthGAY game,” one clown called.

“Dylan, you are already on notice,” Eren snapped. “Do you want to have another talk with Counselor Bodt?”

Dylan did not want to have another talk with Counselor Bodt. He sighed and closed his mouth.

“For this game you have to line up in order of your birthday, but! BUT!” Eren shouted over the din. “You have to do it while completely silent—I said completely silent!”

They ignored him.

“Any time you want to jump in is fine with me,” Eren groused to Levi.

Levi shrugged.

“Mr. J!” one freshman raised his hand. “What are we considering the first month?”

“The same month it always is, Colin!” Eren said, growing increasingly frustrated.

“No, but like, the first month of the year is September.”

“No—what? No. That’s the first month when school starts.”

“And when all the new shows are on,” one kid said sagely and the others nodded.

“No, we’re not operating by a television network calendar.”

“What about like the Mayan calendar or the Chinese calendar?” Kaitlyn asked.

“Really? Do you know when your birthday is on the Mayan calendar, Kaitlyn? Do you?”

“No, but I just think we should be more inclusive.”

“I think we should use the Jewish calendar,” a sophomore shouted.

“Christian, we’re not using the Jewish calendar.”

“What do you have against my people, Mr. J?” Christian complained.

Eren’s nostrils flared.

“The first month is January, the last month is December. That means the person at the front of the line birthday should be January 1st or something like that and the person at the end of the line should be December 31st.”

“What about people who were born on a leap year?” Kelly asked.

“Not all of you are Leap Year babies!” Eren shouted.

“You don’t know that, do you have our birth certificates, Mr. J?” Christian complained.

“This game is just so stupid,” they all grumbled. “We could cheat so easily.”

“Now like I said, you have to line up by your birthdays but without talking and without tracing the letters on the window like that, Mr. Peele! And remember complete silence!” Eren raised his voice.

They kept on blabbing and continued to do so until Levi got out his whistle and let out a long strident note. When he finished, they were finally silent and started playing the game.

“Thanks,” Eren mumbled to Levi.

“You know they’re just going out of their way to bait you, right?” Levi asked.

“Why, though? Why?”

“Because it’s so easy,” Levi said, his travel mug out again and at his lips.

“No, it’s not!” Eren said heatedly and Levi raised his eyebrows, point made. “I don’t think I’m that different from you! Yet they don’t treat me the same. Like, you just need to give them a look and they listen. For me, they don’t even think I can give out detention.”

“Well part of it is that you don’t follow through with your threats. Another part is you care if they like you.”

They had discussed as much on the bus and it still made Eren grind his teeth angrily.

“But honestly, the majority of it is because you’re young. They don’t look at you and see an adult.”

“Well that’s great, my colleagues don’t think I’m an adult and neither do my students.”

“What are you talking about? We think you’re an adult. I mean you are an adult right? This isn’t some Doogie Howser shit, right?”

“Then treat me like it. Stop calling me ‘kid.’”

“Sure, kid.”

Eren’s jaw tightened.

“See? There you go again. It’s so easy to rile you.”

“And you’re just Mr. Calm and Collected.”

“I’m Mr. Ten Years of Experience,” Levi said.

“Well I hope that when I get to be your age, I have your sunny disposition,” Eren spat.

“My age?” Levi asked, looking a little crestfallen.

Kaitlyn came up to them and mimed a little.

“What?” Eren snapped at her.

“We have to line up too,” Levi sighed and went to the end of the line automatically.

Kaitlyn mimed something at Eren and he looked baffled.

“I don’t know what that is supposed to be.”

“SH!” they all hissed at him.

Eren still didn’t get it and the others mimed back and forth at each other and then Kaitlyn tucked him into the center of the group. She flashed a thumbs up at Eren, who shrugged, still annoyed. Levi gave her a thumbs up.

“Okay, we’re all set!” Levi said. “Sound off!”

They got every student and the teacher’s birthdays correct. Almost. Two students had birthdays on the same day, but one had been born earlier in the day. Levi said it was close enough. It turns out Kaitlyn had been miming to figure out his birthday but were forced to deduce it on their own.

“Good job, everyone!” Eren said, now a little more positive about the whole thing. “And Kaitlyn a Leadership Point™ for you!”

“Yes!” she fist pumped.

Eren set them up playing one more game called “The Knot” where they had to untangle themselves without breaking their grip on each other’s hands.

“Kaitlyn is kind of a natural leader at these sorts of things, isn’t she?” Eren asked Levi.

Levi agreed. “She’s the oldest of six. The rest are all boys.”

“Shit. That must suck. You got siblings?”

“Nope. You?”

“Yeah, my sister. She’s adopted but older than me. She’s overprotective. Mikasa works at one of those high powered law firms and calls me once a week to remind me of all the ways I could be sued.”

“We did it, Mr. J!” Kaitlyn waved, the group successfully untangled.

“Good job!”

Eren spent the rest of the morning talking to them about “dream planning” which was the stupidest fucking thing Levi had ever heard in his life. This was the point in the retreat where Hanji would usually go off of Rico’s script and instead go on a lengthy speech about the importance of nature conservation that would somehow detour into a talk about the cellular body and Levi would just let her prattle on. However, the green English teacher was committed to following the curriculum.

“So I want you to come up with a dream of yours and we’re going to turn that into a goal that’s broken down into steps,” Eren said eagerly.

Whoever got Rico a copy of “The Secret” needed to be taken out back and shot.

“Mr. A!” one kid raised his hand.

“What?” Levi asked.

“This is stupid, Mr. A.”

Levi only grunted in agreement.

“It’s not stupid. Here, how about you guys give me some dreams you have and I will put them on the whiteboard here,” Eren said, tapping the board.

The group was a sea of blinking, tired eyes.

“Well go on!” Eren encouraged.

“I—I uh think it’s a little hard for everyone to feel comfortable sharing that about themselves,” Levi coughed into his hand.

“Well don’t be silly, this is a safe place,” Eren beamed at the group and a senior yawned audibly. In an undertone, he whispered to Levi, “Do you think you could not undermine me in front of the students, please?”

Levi blinked.

“I didn’t really think that’s what I was doing,” Levi whispered back. “I just think—“

“C’mon guys!” Eren straightened. “What’s a dream you’ve had but you don’t quite know how to achieve it?”

“Mr. J?” Dylan asked, raising his hand hesitantly.

“Yes, Dylan?” Eren asked, looking relieved.

“I want to ride dinosaurs,” Dylan said and the group broke out into giggles.

“Dylan, the second we get back, you’re seeing Mr. Bodt,” Eren sighed. “Okay, here’s an example. I had a dream of owning my own car. So, let’s break that dream down into achievable goals. First, I did the research, weighed the price difference of a new car versus a used car. Then I talked to a financial planner and figured out how much I would need to save per month to be able to afford a down payment. Then I talked to my bank to get a loan. And then I just had to find the car within my price range. There! Easy!”

They all blinked at him. Levi contracted his eyebrows looking just as baffled as the students.

“I don’t understand,” Aubrey said in a loud whisper to her bestie. “Daddy is giving me his Lexus for my sixteenth birthday.”

“Okay, or uh, let’s try a different less technical dream. Uh…Mr. Ackerman!” Eren said looking desperate.

Levi, who was in danger of nodding off, jumped a little.

“You—uh—said you had a dream of flying a plane.”

He wrote, “Fly Plane,” on the dry erase board.

“So let’s that dream down into smaller parts. What would Mr. Ackerman need to do to achieve that dream?”

One girl raised her hand, “Get a pilot’s license?”

“Great, excellent,” Eren said writing that down. “What else?”

“Grow a foot,” Dylan said in a stage whisper.

Eren lost his temper and whipped the eraser at his head.

“Dylan, I swear, do you want to spend the afternoon helping Mr. Shadis dig out the busses?” Eren snapped. “So get a pilot’s license—now what are some possible obstacles Mr. Ackerman might have when—where are you going?” he asked because Levi was storming off in the other direction. “One second—here—Kaitlyn, why don’t you come up here and write everyone’s answers.”

He chased after Levi.

“Where are you going?” Eren asked.

“This whole thing is stupid, I’m leaving,” Levi said stormily.

“Why are you mad?”

“I don’t appreciate being humiliated in front of my students is why.”

“How did I—how is—what?”

“Because I didn’t share it with them I shared it with you!” Levi snapped, jabbing Eren’s chest with his pointer finger.

Eren watched him take off down the stairs, the short man’s shoulders hiked up nearly to his ears and he felt a sharp pang in his chest that had nothing to do with Levi’s thin fingers.

“Sorry, back. Mr. Ackerman is just going to help with lunch prep,” Eren lied. “What do we have so far? Uh, I suppose colorblindness is a possible obstacle. Let’s try a new dream. Who wants to share their dream?”

“I have one Mr. J!” Christian said, wiggling in his seat.

“Sure, go ahead.”

“I want to be Mrs. Bieber.”

“You can’t be Mrs. Bieber, Christian.”

“You said our dreams could be anything.”

“Anything realistic, c’mon guys.”

“Wow, do you really doubt my ability that much, Mr. J? I thought this was a safe space where we could share our deepest feelings.”

“Fine! Fine. You want to be Mrs. Bieber? Let’s just write that on the board,” Eren said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Eren scribbled it and underlined it with some vehemence.

“Well first of all you’d need to be on a Kardashian level of fame. Let’s spitball some reality shows because I’m guessing you don’t have any plans to start a music career.”

“I’ll obviously drop my first single after we’re married,” Christian said shrugging.

Eren sighed and hit his head on the whiteboard in frustration.

<*>

After dismissing the students so that those who had lunch prep could leave, Eren marched to the walk-in freezer.

“OUT!” he shouted at Emma Welch and her boyfriend who had snuck off for a little tonsil hockey.

He pulled the door shut and shouted and screamed to his heart’s content, hitting the bag of rice so hard it split open and he was forced to get out a dustpan. Feeling a great deal better, his head clearing, he left the walk-in, brushing off his shoulders. Yet when he caught sight of Levi’s inky black hair, sitting and sipping his tea—when wasn’t he sipping tea?—looking very cozy by the mess hall fireplace, he felt a vein in his forehead twitch.

“Hey, Mr. J! I was just wondering. Can I be in the show twice? Like, I’m doing a thing with my band friends, but then can I also do a solo performance?” Jordan Peakes stopped him.

“Huh?” Eren asked.

“Can I do one performance with my group and then one by myself? Or do I have to choose?”

“What are you talking about?”

“The sign says to come to you with questions,” he pointed.

Eren walked over to the piece of graph paper taped to the wall. On it read, “TALENT SHOW SIGN UP!” with “(unless you’re Nicki Minaj, ‘twerking’ is not a talent)” underneath it in Levi’s stark handwriting. There were at least five people signed up!

“Sooo…?” Jordan waited.

“Sure, why not? Just make sure it’s under five minutes, okay? We want to give everyone a turn.”

“Awesome, thanks Mr. J.”

Eren tentatively walked over to Levi, sitting down in the chair across from him. Levi didn’t acknowledge him, too focused on making notes on a list on his graph paper. Eren could see it was a list of all the students who had received Leadership Points™ all listed in his neat but cramped handwriting.

“I…uh,” Eren started. “I wanted to apologize.”

Levi still didn’t look up.

“Um, you have really made an effort to, uh, include me—“ Eren struggled. “—And I just wanted you to know that I appreciate it.”

Levi made a note with his pen.

Eren leaned forward, trying to put himself on eye level with the notepad. His nose had to brush the blue binding before Levi finally made eye contact. He had small eyes, Eren noticed. Small like the rest of his features but their color was an intense gunmetal grey. Eren never would have noticed they had any color to them if he hadn’t gotten this close. He couldn’t really say they were pretty. Scary actually. Levi had strange features that when you broke them down were not really attractive. His chin was pointed. His nose was small and if you stared at him straight on almost seemed to disappear. His brows too thin and dark and he already had a premature wrinkle between them. His eyelids were heavy and gave his eyes the impression that he was always examining something on the ceiling. He had dark bags under his eyes courtesy of their late night attack on the boy’s dorm. His ears stuck out a bit although one more so than the other. His cupid’s bow swooped into twin points, two peaks that were nearly always red and chapped, despite the Burt’s Bees he seemed to apply liberally. Eren figured he would have silver strands growing in his dark hair before age forty.

Still they were Levi’s own and they seemed to fit him. An odd assortment of weird features that gave him his unique and intriguing appearance. He waited for Eren to speak, looking aloof and bored.

Having spent far too much time assessing Levi’s unreadable expression, Eren cleared his throat.

“Uh. And I’m not so good at telling what is said in confidence. I guess I didn’t think the pilot thing was that private, but uh, I’m starting to realize that most of what you say isn’t meant for others. You are a very private person, who doesn’t share easily. So uh. Thanks for sharing. With me. I’m sorry for betraying your trust. And I hope you don’t stop. Sharing, that is.”

Levi’s expression didn’t change the entire time.

“Don’t worry about it, kid,” he said finally and tapped Eren’s head with the notepad.

“How did you convince the others to say yes to the talent show?” Eren asked, hoping this was a sign for him to continue talking.

“I didn’t.”

“Huh?”

“I told you, if you want to have your little talent show, just do it. No one is going to stop you. You don’t need our permission. You’re an adult, remember?”

“Oh. When did you put up the sign?”

“Last night, sometime after you called me a disappointment.”

Levi said it lightly enough, as if he thought joking about it would make the barb sting less, trying to recoup his wounded pride by shifting the blame to Eren. He had dragged the large bag of rice from the pantry to the freezer and gone a few rounds before taping the sign to the wall while Rico and Mike watched him, clucking their tongues in disapproval.

Eren didn’t know how to handle this revelation that Levi was actually a great deal more sensitive than he had previously thought. He needed to step more carefully around the older man. Armin often said that Eren was as gentle as a bull in a china shop when it came to handling other people’s emotions. Try as hard as he might to be sensitive, when he became focused on something it was like tunnel vision—the blinders came on and all empathy went out the window. Levi didn’t strike Eren as the type to make friends easily and Eren was only proving to him that it really wasn’t worth the effort. He needed to make things right with Levi, to clear his own guilty conscience if nothing else.

“I made a sex tape with my boyfriend,” Eren blurted out suddenly.

Eren didn’t think he could surprise Levi, but the man’s eyes flew open before narrowing in confusion.

“The gay porn rumor,” Eren clarified, his face flushing.

The only way to fix hurt feelings with Levi, Eren reasoned, was to humiliate himself to the same degree or worse.

“We made a sex tape and then when we broke up, he posted it on some revenge porn website.”

“Oh my god,” Levi said in a stunned whisper, far too interested in this development.

“And you know how sometimes when you’re dancing or something and you’re getting really into it and you just feel really sexy and think you look good and then someone shows you a video of how you actually look dancing?”

“Oh god,” Levi said, secondhand embarrassment overtaking him as he covered his face with his hands.

“Well it was basically like that. And all of the comments were so mean. One was all ‘Bring back the guys taint because it looks better than his face!’ and “I’ve never seen a quadruple chin while giving head before.’”

“This is awful!” Levi gasped but he put his hands together like he was praying, thanking god for the gift he had just been given.

“I mean look at my face, I don’t have a double chin.” Eren tilted his head, giving Levi a view of his profile.

“You don’t,” Levi agreed.

“But like, this video was just a highlight reel of my worst features. The worst part was, he started emailing links of the video to my friends—“

“No,” Levi shook his head in horror.

“My boss, my dad, my sister…”

“This is the worst story I’ve ever heard.”

“I tried to get the site to take it down, but of course they wouldn’t and so I had to get my lawyer sister—“

“No!” Levi gasped again.

“—to sue them so they would take it down. And then they sent an email asking for a description of the video and because we filmed it right after a Halloween party I had to type ‘Where one man wearing a Barney costume performs fellatio on a man dressed as a police officer.’”

“Stop!” Levi had to wave the notepad in front of his face because it was a shade of tomato.

“And even though they finally took it down it still shows up on mirror sites and each time I have to email the same cease and desist letter.”

Levi finally burst, howling with laughter. It was such a strange sight, that several students stopped what they were doing to observe the scene, many concerned that he was having a heart attack. He nearly fell out of his chair and began making a hideous noise that Eren realized was him wheezing.

Wiping tears from his eyes, he put his hand on Eren’s shoulder and solemnly said, “Thank you for sharing.”

Still cackling, he got out of his chair.

“Oh man!” he said, waving the notepad. “Hoo boy.”

<*>

“So what were you two laughing about earlier?” Mike said, because word had gotten out that Mr. A had been seen laughing, and not just laughing, nearly collapsing with laughter. Naturally, people were concerned.

“Huh?” Levi asked.

“What was the joke?” Mike asked.

“Oh,” Levi shrugged as Eren looked up from his food, his face a mask of terror. “I don’t even remember.”

Levi finished shoveling the food into his mouth before ripping off his neck napkin and jumping up onto a chair.

“TEAM B! YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES BEFORE CLEANUP STARTS!” he shouted into his bullhorn.

He hopped down and headed to the kitchen for cleanup, but they heard him break out into a titter.

“Oh god, it’s still funny,” they heard him say to himself as he braced himself against a wall. “Hoo boy.”

“What’s happening?” Petra asked in a frightened whisper.

“I don’t like it,” Nile said, frowning. “It’s scary.”

They all looked at Eren for explanation, but he only shrugged and went to join Levi for cleanup.

<*>

Levi’s passion for cleaning made any further conversation nearly impossible, but when Levi disappeared into the walk-in freezer Eren followed after him with his broom under the pretense of sweeping out the freezer.

“Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh at you,” Levi said soberly, moving the shelves so Eren could sweep behind them. “It’s not really funny. In fact, it’s fucking awful that happened to you.”

“It was really awful. And I had to explain to my Dad what a revenge porn site is.”

“I am so sorry.”

“And then had to explain that it was a man…”

“Shiiit.”

“Yeah,” Eren shrugged lamely. “I just don’t want it affecting my job.”

“Understood. Don’t worry, I won’t say anything.”

“I know you won’t. That’s why I told you.”

“I still feel bad about laughing. I wasn’t laughing at you. It wasn’t like ‘Haha, your ex violated your trust, that’s hilarious!’ I was just laughing at how ridiculous the whole situation was. How fucked up the world gets, you know? Like when shit is just so awful you have no other option but to laugh because otherwise you’ll cry.”

“Well I cried about it a whole bunch. And now it is kindof funny. And you’re right, if I don’t laugh at it, I’ll just explode with all this anger.”

“You already do that,” Levi pointed out.

“Yeah, well, I had that problem before this whole incident. Really I just think of it as in the past. I know once something is on the internet it’s permanent, but my time spent ruminating on it is done. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Good. Then I will never mention it again.”

“Thanks.”

And they didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eh? Hopefully you all don't hate me. I like Eren for the BIG gestures. So when he wants to share with Levi, he's gonna pull out something big. And I know Levi appreciates it even if he thinks it's unnecessary. 
> 
> Reasons there are so many OCs: I kindof shot myself in the foot with this fic in that since Eren and Levi are chaperones, there need to be some kids...but in SNK there aren't any characters younger than Eren and the 104th so...yeah. Instead of changing the ages of the characters I just put in a bunch of mini OCs. Sorry.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hot For Teacher”//Van Helen
> 
> Levi had an awful feeling in his gut, like the way your stomach feels right before you have a terrible case of Chipotle runs, but it had nothing to do with lunch and had everything to do with a sudden boldness that overwhelmed him. He had a question to ask the English teacher but his lips had seemingly gone numb maybe from wind chill or maybe anticipatory dread.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr is [perksofbeingawaifu](http://perksofbeingawaifu.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Tracking tag is #fic: trlj
> 
> If you like, please leave kudos or comments!
> 
> __
> 
> First rule of ice safety: If someone is trapped out on the ice, DON'T GO AFTER THEM.

The afternoon was reserved for the snowshoe trail hike. Just Levi and Eren and a bunch of sluggish teenagers in the camp’s dilapidated snowshoes.

“What’s this track here, Mr. A?” Perry stopped, pointing at some animal’s footprints in the snow.

“I don’t know,” Levi snapped, untangling a freshman whose expensive scarf had become caught in a tree branch.

Perry sighed.

“…It’s just that Ms. Hanji would know,” he grumbled.

“Here, you want to know, you take the printouts,” Levi said flinging the camp’s helpful guide to identifying animals at him which were wrapped in a plastic covering to protect against the wet snow.

“Aubrey, when you saw the packing list, why did you think a Burberry scarf was appropriate to bring along?” Eren sighed, taking off his gloves to snap the branch.

“You can’t sacrifice fashion just because we’re in a desolate wasteland, Mr. J,” she said huffily.

“What would you do if we were stranded out here?” Eren asked her.

“Omigod, Caden?” Aubrey said in a high pitched voice, stopping a classmate. “I’m really thirsty, do you think you could get my waterbottle out of my backpack for me?”

“S-sure!” he said enthusiastically, looking like he’d just hit the jackpot.

“Thank youuu,” she cooed waving him off. The second he was out of sight, she said, “Somehow I think I’d be okay, Mr. J.”

“Alright, no one step in this deer shit,” Levi pointed, taking the lead now that she was untangled.

“Actually, Mr. A, this list says that it’s rabbit scat.”

“You know what Perry? You just lost printout privileges,” Levi said, taking the list from him.

Since no one had yet broken the trail, they were slow moving and by the time they made it to the lake, it was already late in the day, or so they thought.

“It’s almost two thirty,” Eren said, checking his watch, hardly believing it.

The goal was to walk another mile to the lookout, but there was no way they were going to make it.

Darkness was threatening to overtake them. The clouds in the sky were a stormy grey and the snow was so heavy they felt like they were parting a thick white curtain every few steps. Kids with glasses couldn’t see out of them and Aubrey had tied her scarf around her waist so her BFF could hold it and stumble blindly behind her.

“Yeah, we’re turning back,” Levi agreed looking at the ominous sky. “Okay, everyone take five for a breather and then we’re heading back to camp.”

He did a quit head count. If they lost someone in this weather, there was little chance of getting them back.

“We’re not supposed to turn back yet!” Perry complained and all of his peers shushed him loudly.

“And remember what Director Nanaba said! Don’t go on the ice! It hasn’t been freezing for nearly long enough and there are still thin spots!” Levi reiterated.

“Josh, you guys need to be where we can see you!” Eren shouted at a group that was attempting to hide behind some trees.

“Hey, give me that hand warmer you have in your mittens,” Levi said, stomping his feet to warm himself.

“My lips are chapped,” Eren said. “Trade?”

Levi passed over his chapstick and took the offered hand warmer.

“Ah, this is barely working now,” Levi complained as Eren handed back the chapstick, smacking his lips.

“Yeah, they don’t last very long,” Eren agreed.

Levi’s hands were red and chapped and Eren reminded himself to loan him the hand balm he’d brought along. Levi looked up at him and caught him staring at his hands. He swatted at the ties to Eren’s chullo hat.

“Hey,” Eren said, tugging the cream and brown hat lower over his eyes. “Be nice to my hat. This baby got me through Boston’s coldest months.”

“It’s nice. I like it,” Levi said. “Not really my style, but nice.”

Levi pulled at his grey watchman’s cap, making sure the tips of his ears were covered. Eren grinned at him, a few wisps of russet curled out from under his hat and he had a bit of stubble growing on his boyish face. As Levi held his gaze, Eren reached for Levi’s cheek and out of instinct Levi seized his wrist in an iron grip.

“What are you doing?” he asked, pushing the hand away from him.

“I think you have some frostbite on your cheeks,” Eren said softly, touching the spot with his cracked knuckle. “Here, I have an extra muffler in my bag.”

He pulled out a garment in an alarming shade of chartreuse and wrapped it around Levi. Levi felt his whole body heat up and it wasn’t because of the loaned item. Levi covered his nose in the hideous scarf and looked up at Eren. He had an awful feeling in his gut, like the way your stomach feels right before you have a terrible case of Chipotle runs, but it had nothing to do with lunch and had everything to do with a sudden boldness that overwhelmed him. He had a question to ask the English teacher but his lips had seemingly gone numb maybe from wind chill or maybe anticipatory dread.

“Hrnglls?” was the best Levi managed.

“What’s that?” Eren asked, picking up the earflap to hear better.

“Coach! Mr. J!” Chloe Spalding came running up, she was panting in the freezing weather and had to put her hands on her knees to get her breath back. “Dylan dared Billy Baumgarter to go out on the ice and he’s stuck!”

“Goddamnit Dylan!” Eren raged.

“Goddamnit Billy,” Levi cursed lowly.

Of course it was Billy Baumgarter. It was _always_ Billy Baumgarter. William J. Baumgarter II was a walking disaster. Teachers would take straws to have him in their groups on field trips. On the trip to Gettysburg it was Billy who discovered that a “retired” cannon was, in fact, in very working condition. At the pep rally he had managed to fall behind the bleachers just as they were closing for the day and it had taken the Jaws of Life to pry him out. Nearly six foot five and weighing well over two hundred and fifty pounds, he would have made a great running back, but Billy was something of a gentle giant. Like an elephant who has spotted a mouse, nearly anything made him jump. When Billy was assigned to Levi’s class, the injuries started. Billy walked into an open locker. Billy drank spoilt milk—that was actually a common occurrence when the freezers stopped working due to how stuffed with frogs they were. Billy was clipped by a school bus. Billy tripped over his own shoelaces and rolled down the handicap ramp. Finally, Levi was forced to tell Mr. and Mrs. Baumgarter that little Billy simply didn’t want to be in his class, that the accidents always seemed to happen right before fourth period. Mrs. Baumgarter had understood but Mr. Baumgarter, a hulking rotund man who made an impressive judge, pulled Levi aside and asked him to reconsider.

“He needs someone like you to toughen him up,” Mr. Baumgarter said.

Despite his size and success, Mr. Baumgarter was no bully. Levi knew bullies. Levi was the perfect size for bullies. They sought him out like a heat seeking missile. Mr. Baumgarter didn’t talk down to him (well he talked down because that’s where Levi was). He didn’t manhandle Levi, like some other parents liked to do by placing their fat hands on his shoulder and insisting with curled fingers that he round their child’s B- up to a B+. Mr. Baumgarter didn’t want someone to terrorize his child. He just wanted—well…he just wanted Billy to not be so…so very Billy.

“I can’t toughen him up,” Levi had sighed. “His grades are slipping because he’s too terrified to come to class.”

“I just don’t know what to do with him. He’s terrified of every little thing,” Mr. Baumgarter sighed.

“We’ll put him into Miss Lenz’s class. He’ll do better there,” Levi said consolingly. “He’s not going to find himself or find his courage by us forcing him. He just needs time to come into his own.”

Trust Billy Baumgarter to find his fucking courage with a storm brewing and only a half inch of ice on the lake.

Goddamnit Billy.

“Stay calm!” Levi shouted at him ripping the scarf from his face.

Jesus, how had he gotten out that far?

Levi pulled out the rope that he had always thought was a waste of space from his backpack, handed one end to Eren.

“What?” asked Eren, looking at the rope.

“You’re good with knots, tie one end to a tree!” Levi snapped.

“Billy, you need to spread your weight out as much as possible!” Levi shouted, stepping on the chartreuse muffler as he made his way toward the edge.

“I can’t!” Billy said. “The ice cracked!”

“You know how a deer can walk across this lake but we can’t? It’s because it’s got four legs, so you need to spread all of your mass as much as possible, okay?”

“It cracked!” Billy repeated, looking very scared.

Levi took the end of the rope while Eren tied it to the tree. It wasn’t long enough.

“It’s not going to stretch out!” Kaitlyn cried. “We need to make a human chain!”

“What?” Eren snapped, punching his phone angrily trying to find a signal and watching Levi slowly move across the ice.

“A human chain! Didn’t you listen to the instructor? We need to make a human chain!”

Levi made it to the end of the rope. He looked back at the group on land, then at the rope in his hand, then at Billy who was still yards away. He dropped the rope and got down onto all fours. Crawling like a cat, he was within feet when the ice started groaning underneath him.

“Oh Jesus, he’s not gonna make it,” Eren said, panic setting in.

“Go Coach!” shouted Chloe, looking terrified along with the rest who had gathered to watch.

Since when was Eren Jaeger someone who stood on the sidelines and watched in panic? He was a fucking Eagle Scout. He had gotten twenty-fucking-one merit badges. He was a man of action!

“Whoever is the fastest runner I want you to take my cell and run back to camp until you get a signal and call Director Nanaba, her number is right there! GO!”

He didn’t see who took his phone, but someone started up the hill. Looking at the rope in his hands he pulled it back in and knotted it around Kaitlyn.

“You’re the anchor here okay?” he said and she nodded eyes wide. “Everyone else, link arms.”

Several backed away, too afraid to go out on the ice and Eren didn’t blame them.

“Fine, whoever has the strongest arms, link up!”

Welch grabbed her boyfriend and shoved him over and they joined with Kaitlyn. Four bodies? That should be enough to bridge the gap. Eren made himself the end and he pulled them out carefully.

“Mr. J! We should be hand to foot, Mr. J!” Kaitlyn shouted nervously.

Levi inched forward. He heard the ice crackling under his feet and he slowed his progress.

“I can’t move,” Billy whispered and the ice around him fractured like angry fingers clawing, desperate to be free.

He was going to fall.

“Okay, Billy, I need you to not panic,” Levi said, his low voice calm. “The ice is going to break—“

Billy began crying.

“And when it does you’ll be in the water. Your body will go into shock. You need to grab onto the ice and pull as much of yourself as you can out of it. You need to focus on your breathing. Do you understand?”

“NO!” Billy shouted.

“I’m going to reach my hand out and I want you to take it, okay?”

Billy shook his head.

There was a loud crunch and Billy went under. Several girls on shore screamed.

“Fuck it,” Levi said, diving for him feet first.

The ice broke around him, but then he knew it would. He gripped the thickest sheet of ice he could and dug his nails in, before he felt the icy cold grip him in its fingers. The breath was knocked from him but he forced himself to inhale. He wrapped his other arm around the large boy.

“Oh god, he’s too heavy,” Eren heard one boy whisper.

“Coach!” Chloe cried on shore.

Aubrey flung her scarf and it passed along the chain and Eren tossed the end out for Levi to catch. His fingers brushed the fringe but no further. Eren tossed it again and Levi wrapped it around his wrist. With a powerful heave, he pulled the boy up out of the water and pushed him onto the firm ice.

“Grab this,” Levi instructed to Billy and he grabbed the scarf. “D-d-d-on’t try to get up, just-t-t-t slide along the ice.”

Eren pulled Billy in to the chain and they passed him along to the shore.

There was another crunch and the ice Levi had been holding onto gave out. He disappeared under the frigid water.

“Levi!” Eren shouted and he heard cries of “Coach!” and “Mr. A!” echo behind him.

There was a brief moment where Eren felt his stomach fall out of him. Why had he let Levi go out? He should have been the first on the ice! Why had he done nothing? He should have gone out there and now he was responsible for Levi—

A pale hand clawed at the ice and everyone gave a gasp as Levi pulled himself out of the water and rolled out onto the ice. With his powerful arms (oh thank god for all of those pushups! Eren thought) he dragged himself across the ice by his fingernails until he was able to touch Eren’s extended fingertips. Eren grabbed him and they all pulled him to the shore.

“Coach!” all of Levi’s girls cried throwing themselves on him, despite how wet and freezing cold he was.

Levi’s teeth were chattering so hard he thought he’d chip a tooth.

“Are you okay?” Eren asked.

“S-s-s-see to the k-kid!” Levi snapped.

The whole group wrapped Billy and Levi up in their spare scarves. Eren gave the emergency shock blanket to Billy and he wrapped himself up in it looking a great deal like a burrito in tinfoil.

They hiked up the hill, the volleyball girls clinging to Levi like they were afraid he was going to disappear under the ice again. Eren heard the whine of snowmobiles. Perry had managed to find a signal. Director Nanaba and one of the counselors arranged Billy on the machine and took him back to camp. They insisted they’d come back for Levi but Levi didn’t want to wait and stubbornly kept marching back to camp.

“Levi! You should just stay here and wait,” Eren protested as Levi kept putting one snowshoe in front of the other and taking deep long breaths.

“Walking might actually be good?” Perry said, hopping along next to them. “It might get your heart rate up.”

“Not now, Perry!” Eren snapped.

“’Not now Perry,’” Perry grumbled. “I only ran a half mile to find a signal.”

“R-really?” Levi asked, stopping and all of the girls smacked into him. “You s-s-should talk to Mr. Zacharias about joining the track t-team.”

“I feel like you’re not focusing on the important things here!” Eren shook his head.

Levi stumbled once in the snow after his snowshoe got caught on a tree branch and all of the students dove to help him.

“I’m fine!” he snapped, shoving them off.

Except he really didn’t look fine. His lips looked blue. The snowmobile came out for them just as they were a quarter mile out from camp. Mike had his arms around Director Nanaba and a smug expression on his face that grew serious when he saw the popsicle that was Levi.

“I got them, you take him to camp,” Mike nodded to Eren.

Levi hopped on the snowmobile and Eren rode in the trailer behind it. Petra met them at the camp entrance with a panicked expression on her face.

“The roads are completely out. There an emergency winter weather warning and the ambulance can’t make it out here. They said they’d send out EMTs if something goes wrong but—“

“How is Billy?” Levi asked through gritted teeth, trying to keep them from chattering again.

“He claims he’s fine. We’ve got him in front of the mess hall fireplace and he is pretty cozy. Rico is keeping an eye on him. Good thing he’s got all that bulk on him. How are you—“

“I’m heading for the showers,” Levi said, his toes a block of ice in his shoes and icicles in his hair.

“You can’t!” Petra said, throwing her arms out to block him. “Taking a hot shower after being in that cold can mess with your heart!”

“I don’t care,” Levi said, his teeth chattering so loudly Eren was afraid they’d break.

“You need to get under some blankets!” Petra called after him then looked at Eren pleadingly.

“I’ll take care of him,” Eren reassured her.

Eren steered Levi to the cabin, but when they opened the door it was just as cold inside as it was outside. The electric space heater had conked out.

“Fuck! It’s cold!” Levi gasped, his limbs all shaking.

“Here, get in your sleeping bag,” Eren motioned.

He went outside and grabbed several logs, knocking them together to get all of the snow off.

“Let’s let those dry off a bit.”

“Fuck-k th-that why c-can’t, oh fuck this!” Levi spat, shuddering so violently Eren was afraid he was having a seizure.

“Please, let’s get you to the mess hall. Mike is a volunteer EMT he can look at you!”

Levi refused. He began peeling off his clothes and Eren could see how stiff and frozen his undergarments were. Levi avoided Eren’s gaze but Eren could see the exhaustion settling around his shoulders. The problem with being strong, Eren realized, was how exhausting it must be. Levi was “on” at all times, the hawk gaze, the hyper vigilant way he listened for trouble. It was why he was so mortified to have any of his students know about his passions because that allowed them to see through his strong man façade to the real human being underneath.

Levi’s hands were cramped into claws and the fingertips were purple and swollen and he couldn’t undo the buttons on his clothing. He was in pain and yet refused to be treated. Like a cat dragging itself under the porch to die.

The only way to combat Levi’s indomitable and unyielding will was to be just as obstinate as he was. Eren pulled the shirt off of Levi’s small form and Levi protested, but his slaps were weak and Eren tugged his spare thermals over Levi’s head like he were dressing a child. Levi hissed at him, but Eren had been listening this whole trip. He had been paying attention when Levi told him to follow through with his threats, to be the commanding and fearsome figure he was afraid to be for fear of losing the affection of the kids. But the kids weren’t here now and Eren really couldn’t give a shit if Levi hated him. Right now Levi didn’t need a friend, he needed to get under those fucking blankets.

“Hey!” Levi protested weakly as Eren wrapped his arms around him and helped him into the thermal bottoms. “Get off me!”

He gave Eren his most steely gaze and Eren returned it with an equally formidable glare with his pretty green eyes and Levi realized his mistake. Levi had created a monster. A terribly dressed, big eyed monster who learned quickly. Uh oh.

“Get in that bed,” Eren pointed and Levi meekly obeyed.

Eren grabbed the extra blankets from the closet and dropped them on top of Levi with such vehemence that Levi felt the air knocked from him.

“Is that better?” Eren asked.

Levi made a noise like a shrill whine, frustrated at the violent way his body shook.

“Not-t-t really,” he said through gritted teeth.

Eren sat down on the lower bunk and rubbed at Levi’s back vigorously.

“Better?” he asked again.

Levi made a noncommittal noise.

“I—here, I’m only doing this because I’m worried what’ll happen if you don’t get your body temperature up—don’t get weird about it.”

“About what?” Levi started to ask, but Eren stripped down to his long john underwear and slipped under Levi’s sleeping bag. “Oh.”

“Sorry,” Eren grimaced, looking uncomfortable. “But body heat is—“

“Just sh-sh-shut up,” Levi snapped. Yet he didn’t ask Eren to leave.

Eren couldn’t figure out how to lie down next to Levi. The bunk bed was narrow and though Levi was small, there really wasn’t enough room for Eren to lie on his back like he had intended. He shifted, trying to get comfortable.

“Stop moving,” Levi snapped.

“Sorry, I just, it’s awkward if we’re back to front, it’s almost like spooning. Back to back?”

Levi grunted in the affirmative.

They rolled over and Eren tried to think of something to talk about, but there wasn’t really anyway to make this less awkward. Eren was facing the door and Levi the frost-covered window. Levi’s breath kept shaking.

“So uh, do you think the volleyball team has a good chance of taking states this year?” Eren asked, his eyes darting around the sparse cabin, wishing he could melt the snow off the logs with his eyes.

“Fuck! Fuck it’s cold,” Levi snapped.

“Sorry,” Eren apologized. “I mean it, I’m really sorry. It’s all my fault. If I had been watching them better maybe—“

“Kids do stupid shit. It’s practically in their job description. Goddamnit, now my front is cold. Turn over?”

Eren rolled over, thinking Levi was asking him to and was surprised when Levi did as well. This was just as awkward. Now they were face to face. Or rather they would have been if Levi were a normal sized person. Instead Eren could look out at the window as Levi buried his nose into Eren’s chest.

“Gah! Your nose is freezing!” Eren said. “Here give me your hands.”

He pulled Levi’s hands and placed them under his armpits.

“Gross,” Levi objected, pulling his hands away, but he instead placed them against Eren’s warm flannelled chest.

It was almost like a hug, Eren mused. He nearly laughed, instead letting out a small puff of air.

“What?” Levi asked.

“Nothing,” Eren laughed, because it was hilarious. “It’s just you’re so unapproachable most of the time and here you are and I’m practically hugging you.”

“Unapproachable?” Levi asked, seriously considering slipping his hands between those buttons…

“Yeah, I mean, I’ve always wanted to talk to you. But every time I’d try to say ‘Hi!’ in the hallways you always had one hand on your mug of tea and the other at a lesson plan and so I never got up the courage.”

Levi had noticed. He just didn’t want to talk to someone wearing a purple paisley shirt and matching skinny corduroys. No seriously. Who dressed him? That was the problem with Eren Jaeger was that he was all too noticeable and every time he turned the corner and saw Eren’s beaming face in the hallways, he immediately became interested in his work. Levi would watch him smile and wave students into the classroom all from the corner of his eye, too intimidated by his friendliness to even say “Hello” back.

“I’m so sorry, Levi,” Eren repeated. “I should have been the one to go out on the ice! I almost got you killed!”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Levi muttered, still shivering, but less so now. “I could touch the bottom of the lake.”

“What?”

“Yeah. And besides it was my fault for trying to impress the cute new English teacher,” Levi said, smiling a little now that the warmth from Eren’s body was flowing through him. His fingers hurt less and he kept snagging his nails on the buttonholes of Eren’s long johns.

“Levi, please don’t tell me you jumped in freezing cold water and risked injury just to impress me!” Eren said, growing heated.

“I’ve done dumber things before,” Levi said chuckling, little puffs of air hitting Eren’s neck as he did so.

“Yeah?” Eren grumbled. “Like what?”

“Like this,” Levi said, tipping his head up to capture Eren’s lips with his own.

“What are you—“ Eren started, leaning away from Levi. “What? No!”

He instinctively clapped his hand over Levi’s mouth. Pushing away from him, he fell out of the sleeping bag and onto the floor.

“No! No. No no no no no. Nope.”

Levi stared at him in shock and then the realization that he had just been rejected—and not just rejected, but _brutally_ rejected—struck him and he curled up on himself.

“I’m not—you’re not—I’m not really—no, definitely not,” Eren stammered.

“Oh god!” Levi gasped in embarrassment, turning his back to Eren and facing the window again. “Oh _goddd_.”

“I’m just gonna—“ Eren turned on the spot in the middle of the cabin. “Go anywhere but here right now.”

“Oh god!” Levi continued, completely zipping himself up in his sleeping bag so there was no part of him visible.

Eren left and took a walk around the cabin in nothing but his red long johns, wondering how long he needed to wait before he could reenter the cabin. He briefly considered begging Mike to switch with him, but decided against it. Once his fingers started feeling the right amount of frozen, he crept back inside the cabin and busied about starting the fire in the ancient woodstove. He looked over at the bunk beds, but Levi’s back was still to him and he was still wrapped up in his shame cocoon.

Eren considered saying something, but what would he say? “Sorry, you’re not my type”? Because angry short men with clean freak tendencies weren’t anyone’s type. Right? Shit. Truth be told, he had thought about it. Back when they were just strangers in the hallway at work. Back when he never thought he had a chance because he thought Levi was married or straight or simply uninterested. But now that he’d gotten to know Levi, he could officially say the attraction was nothing more than lust based. Purely ephemeral. Call it animal magnetism or whathaveyou. Now that he knew Levi, there was nothing attractive about him.

Well, he wasn’t all that bad. His love for his volleyball team and his students was actually quite beautiful. And the respect he garnered from them was inspiring. And his dedication to his fitness and that incredible body, well, let’s just say Eren had gotten quite an eyeful when Levi emerged from the shower water running down his chiseled form. Eren did not throw around the term “chiseled” loosely.

But he was so short! And so rude!

That’s not fair, the other voice in Eren’s head countered. Levi was also incredibly easy to talk to once you got past the initial roughness of his speech.

And what is with the goddamn tea? He is never not drinking that fucking tea!

Sure he’s awkward. And a hard-ass. But he has to be!

And the bullhorn! Why does he have that fucking bullhorn?

Eren sighed. Really when he weighed the pros against the cons, there was just a list of negative traits stacked against Levi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU THOUGHT! YOU THOUGHT! YOU THOUGHT BITCH YOU THOUGHT!
> 
> Lol, sorry, I know that the "I need your bodyheat" setup should lead to porn, but Eren has been pretty oblivious this entire fic and I'm going to keep it that way. I think my reaction would be the same as his, just this knee jerk "OH HELL NO" until he's had time to think about it. 
> 
> I worried about this chapter being a little OOC, because we're so used to Eren being the one putting himself in harm's way to save others. But here I think he's looking to Levi for leadership and Levi knows the responsibility is on his shoulders. Plus, he knows he can't talk Billy off the ice because Billy is the kind of kid who instantly panics. Also, he knows it's a shallow lake.
> 
> I read a lot about how to save people who have gotten stuck out on the ice. Every year someone in my hometown dies bc they tried to drive their snowmobile across or walked across but didn't tell anybody where they were going.
> 
> So I'm linking some resources for y'all on how to survive after falling through the ice because I don't want you getting any bad ideas from my fic:
> 
> [How to Survive A Fall Through the Ice (wikihow)](http://www.wikihow.com/Survive-a-Fall-Through-Ice)
> 
> [How to Rescue Someone Who Has Fallen Through the Ice (wikihow)](http://www.wikihow.com/Rescue-Someone-Who-Has-Fallen-Through-Ice)
> 
> [Ice Safety (from the Minnesota DNR)](http://www.dnr.state.mn.us/safety/ice/survival.html)
> 
> One thing I did learn is not to remove your clothes when you go through the ice because they can keep you insulated, roll or crawl away from the hole where you fell, don't take a really hot shower because it can shock your heart, among other things. AND ALWAYS GO TO THE HOSPITAL!!!!
> 
> Most importantly: DON"T GO OUT ON THE ICE AFTER SOMEONE.
> 
> If you guys have better resources, please let me know and I'll add them to the list!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “When the Love Light Starts Shining Through His Eyes”//The Supremes 
> 
> _“You know it’s not really good sportsmanship to throw a tantrum when you don’t win,” Levi said, shutting the door behind him and shivering in the walk-in freezer._
> 
> _“I’m not mad about the game,” Eren said, turning around and pulling his hands down from his hair where they had been tugging at his russet brown locks in frustration._
> 
> _“I know,” Levi said quietly. “Look kid, I made a pass at you and you rejected me. It happens. I don’t begrudge it. We can move past this. We can still be friends if you want.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr is [perksofbeingawaifu](http://perksofbeingawaifu.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Tracking tag is #fic: trlj
> 
> If you like, please leave kudos or comments!
> 
> __
> 
> The penultimate chapter! Now with super easy math!!! Lol but srsly tho. I am terrible at math and have only now discovered writing math questions is a million times harder than solving them. Teachers, how do you do it?
> 
> The game they play is called Hanabi, if you're interested. I forced my beta ~~husbando~~ to play the game with me for HOURS so we could come up with a hypothetical hand. Oiiii...lemme know if I goofed on the math.

Eren decided against switching places with Mike, because despite the fact that he had come to the conclusion he had no desire to pursue anything more than a professional relationship with Levi, he was still concerned for Levi’s health and safety following his polar bear dive. So when Eren’s alarm went off in the morning and Levi failed to move, Eren grew concerned.

“Time to get up,” Eren said, but the bundle of blankets didn’t move.

For one horrible moment, Eren thought the older man might have passed away in the night and the last thing Eren had said to him was his rejection.

“A few more minutes,” Levi muttered from somewhere under the mound of covers.

Yet when Eren came back from his shower, Levi hadn’t moved.

“We have breakfast prep,” Eren reminded him.

“I’m sick.”

Eren left him to it. He managed breakfast prep all on his own (well, with the help of the students). He didn’t bother Levi until right before lunch. The fire had died down and was only coals by then and it was starting to get chilly inside.

“It’s lunchtime. You should eat something.”

“Leave me alone, I’m sick.”

“You’re not sick, you’re hiding.”

“I’m _sick_.”

“You’re going to miss lunchtime cleanup.”

Levi didn’t move.

“Look Levi, I’ve had a great deal of time to think about it and I just want you to know that’s it’s okay what happened between us last night. I mean, I haven’t changed my mind, but I realize now I was probably unintentionally leading you on and I can see how you thought that was an invitation—“

“Oh my god, leave me alone. I’m sick!” Levi snapped.

“I’m just saying your reaction is understandable. It’s okay to be embarrassed and if you want to talk, I’m here for you. If and when you decide to come out, I’m here to support you,” Eren said, putting his hand over his chest and looking more than a little smug.

“Fuck off!” Levi’s muffled voice said as he kicked at Eren.

“I know your pride is wounded but—“

“I said I’m sick! I fell through the ice yesterday! Jesus! Fuck! Leave me alone!”

Eren sighed and exited the cabin. The moment he was gone, Levi poked his head out and swallowed hard staring at the door. He rolled back over and stared at the snow falling outside the window, counting each flake until he fell back asleep.

By dinnertime, Eren had enough.

“UP! You need to get up!” Eren said, kicking open the door to the cabin. “Enough of this pity party, you need to eat! C’mon! Up!”

Levi didn’t move.

“Fine, have it your way,” Eren said, his green eyes flashing dangerously.

Without warning, he seized the corner of Levi’s thin mattress and pulled it up and out of the bunk bed frame, dragging it to the center of the cabin. Levi’s head smacked the hard springs of the mattress and he sat up looking like a caterpillar in his sleeping bag.

“What the hell is your problem?!” Levi snarled.

“You are my problem!” Eren snapped and he had to pinch himself to stop from laughing because Levi’s hair was sticking up every which way, static electricity grasping his thin hairs. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself!”

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” Levi snapped, attempting to zip himself back up into his sleeping bag.

“You know half of the kids think you’re in here dying, the other half think you’re already dead!” Eren scolded him, with his hands on his hips.

“So?” Levi countered, but looked a little uneasy.

“They’re worried about you,” Eren continued because Levi was now just flicking the zipper. “I get it, you don’t want to talk to me. You want to stay in here and lick your wounds, but too bad. You need to get up!”

“Don’t tell me what to do, kid,” Levi said dangerously.

“Just please, come out for dinner and the talent show and then you can crawl back to your little hobbit hole here,” Eren pleaded, holding his hands together.

Eren left, realizing he’d probably just made things worse.

To his surprise, Levi did make an appearance. Eren didn’t see him so much as hear all of the students clamoring for his attention.

“Mr. A! You’re not dead!” Christian said.

“Of course I’m not dead,” Levi snapped. “Who said I was dead?”

“Everyone,” Christian said and they all nodded. “We heard you _died_.”

“I did die,” Levi said, affecting a spooky voice. “And rose back from the dead. Dun dun dun!”

“Are you a zombie now, Coach?” Welch asked, twirling her ponytail.

“Yup. In search of brains. Huh. Nothing to eat here.”

They laughed.

Levi grabbed dinner and sat down with the rest of the staff.

“Levi!” Petra gasped and wrapped her arms around him in a hug.

“I’m glad you’re doing better,” Rico said sympathetically. “I’ve been filling out all of these incident forms and I just couldn’t do any more if you did die.”

“You know Rico, that may be the sweetest thing you’ve ever said about me,” Levi said, wolfing down his food like he thought it was going to run off his plate.

Eren didn’t eat with the staff, he was sitting with the kids, showing them how to make a hat out of newspaper.

“See?” Eren said, setting it atop his head. Fashionable. Or at least it was an upgrade from all the other horrible clothing he wore.

“Nobody reads newspapers anymore, Mr. J,” one student pointed out.

“Eh, you’ve got a point there,” he said, placing it on the table. “Okay folks! Kids!”

This time they actually quieted to listen.

“The talent show starts in fifteen minutes. If you’re performing, you need to come with me now!”

The talent show was actually really great. A few kids performed on their guitars. There was an inevitable cover of The Cup Song. Perry decided to perform a few magic tricks that had the other students bored to tears. One student had an impressive juggling act that Eren was forced to put a halt to as he began juggling the cafeteria cups.

“Okay, that was spectacular Joey, but please—please!—wash and put those all back. Alright! For our last performance, some of the students wanted to recreate the incident yesterday so…oh okay, sorry I’ll get off the stage,” Eren said, stepping back next to Levi.

Levi had his arms folded as he watched the little play they put on, ignoring how Eren kept sneaking glances at him.

The group lined up at the front of the stage and put a rug down to stand in for the lake.

“Help! I am trapped out on the lake!” Billy Baumgarter said, reprising his role as the victim.

“Oh no! What ever shall we do?” asked Caden, covered head to toe in rainbow garments.

“Somebody, do something!” Aubrey said to Caden.

“I’ll save him!” said Kaitlyn, standing on her knees and shuffling out to the front from behind the line.

Eren laughed and nudged Levi in the ribs.

“Is that supposed to be me?” Levi asked and they all broke out into giggles. He cupped his hands together and shouted, “You’re too tall Kaitlyn!”

“I can’t reach!” Kaitlyn said reaching her hands out dramatically to grab Billy. “Too. Short!”

“Try using your feelings!” Caden said. “Use your dreams to save him.”

“Wait, what?” Eren said. “Is that supposed to be me?”

“Shhh!” the students all shushed him and then broke out into giggles.

“That’s not funny,” Eren glowered and it was Levi’s turn to laugh at him.

“Can’t. Make it. Need. Tea!” Kaitlyn collapsed on the ground.

“Quick! Someone get his tea!” one student shouted.

“Here! Catch!” Caden said pretending to throw the thermos.

“Hey! That’s my mug!” Levi protested.

Kaitlyn caught it, took a sip, and they all began humming Popeye’s theme song as she stood up off her knees and grabbed Billy and pulled him off the rug.

“My hero!” Caden said, falling down and hugging Kaitlyn’s knee.

“Okay, well I don’t look or sound like that,” Eren grumbled as the students took their bows to thunderous applause.

“Is that how it happened?” one of the audience members asked.

“Yup, exactly how it happened,” Levi said.

After the talent show, some of the kids roped Levi into playing a card game with them.

“Okay, so what’re we playing? Texas Hold ‘Em? I hope you all brought enough money because Coach needs a new pair of shoes,” Levi said as they dragged him to a spot by the fireplace, for which he was very grateful. He was still a little chilly from yesterday.

“No, it’s a co-op game.”

“What’s that?”

“It means, we all work together to win.”

“Well that’s no fun,” Levi complained and they laughed.

“Mr. J! Join us!” they begged and Eren sat down reluctantly.

The game was fun but complicated. You weren’t allowed to look at your own cards and had to rely on the rest of the players to help you. Levi picked it up quickly but Eren had some difficulty and kept trying to surreptitiously cheat.

“I don’t know what card to play,” Billy said frowning.

Billy appeared a little embarrassed that they’d brought Levi over to join the game and kept avoiding looking at him. Levi understood. It was awkward. And made even more so for Levi with Eren’s presence. To be honest, he really needed the break he had taken all day. He never slept in, not even on the weekends, not even in the summer when school was out, and the whole retreat was just draining on him. Maybe that’s why he’d tried to kiss Eren. He was lonely and they were so isolated out here and he blamed that for his poor judgment. And he hadn’t been lying, he did have a fever when he woke up, but it seemed to have subsided now.

“Well, look at everyone else’s cards. What do you see?”

“Um, a lot of cards,” Billy said scratching his head.

“Okay so let’s start off easy. There are fifty cards, five colors, and ten of each color. So if we were starting from the beginning and there was just a shuffled deck of cards, before dealing cards, what is the probability of getting any one color? Say the probability of getting a red card?”

“One out of five?” Pradeep answered. “Like 20%?”

“Yes. Now there are three 1s, two 2s, two 3s, two 4s, and one 5 in each color. What is the probability that the red card is a 3?”

“Same answer,” Pradeep said.

“That’s out of the reds. I’m asking what it would be out of the whole deck.”

“Two out of fifty, right?” asked Bridget.

“Reduce it down,” Levi prompted.

“Ugh, Coach, this is the retreat, this is like vacation!” she whined.

“C’mon it’s easy, what’s half of fifty?”

“Twenty-five! But Coach…”

“This is a learning retreat. What kind of teaching would I be if I let you leave without learning anything?”

“One out of twenty-five and I don’t know what percent that rounds to I’m not a human calculator!” she protested.

“That’s fine. Now, Billy, look at everyone else’s cards. I know that I have three reds and one four. All other fours are accounted for, so I know the color of my four is most likely a green. And you know that you have three 1s, and two of them are white. All of the blue 1s are accounted for, so you’re left wondering what the fourth card is.”

“I don’t understand this game,” Eren moaned.

“It’s blue, I know it’s blue,” Billy said frustrate. “But I don’t know if it’s the 5 that we need to play.”

“Well look at everyone else’s hands and the discard pile. How many blues are accounted for?”

“Seven? Well, eight including the one in my hand.”

“And there are two cards left in the deck to draw. So what color are those?”

“Blue.”

“So if we need a 5, what is the probability that the one you’re holding in your hand is the 5?”

“I don’t know?”

“Yes, you do. C’mon.”

They all looked at Levi with glassy expressions.

“Okay, for a Leadership Point™.”

“Um…” Billy furrowed his brow. “One out of three?”

“Yes! So, now that you know that, what do you think?”

“I’m going to play this card!” Billy said enthusiastically playing his card.

Sadly, it was a 2.

“Agh!” they all groaned.

“We lost,” Bridget sighed.

“Yeah, we did. Leadership Point™ for Pradeep! Leadership Point™ for Bridget with the assist, hi-five girl. And a Leadership Point™ for Billy.”

“But I tanked the game!” Billy groaned.

“Eh, one out of three…you were kind of screwed from the get-go with those odds. Okay, that’s enough of this game for me!” Levi said.

To Levi’s surprise, Eren threw down his cards and stormed from the group.

“Mr. J really doesn’t like losing, does he?” Bridget muttered out of the corner of her mouth.

Levi watched Eren head for the walk-in freezer and sighed. He stood up and brushed off his pants and stretched and followed him.

“You know it’s not really good sportsmanship to throw a tantrum when you don’t win,” Levi said, shutting the door behind him and shivering in the walk-in freezer.

“I’m not mad about the game,” Eren said, turning around and pulling his hands down from his hair where they had been tugging at his russet brown locks in frustration.

“I know,” Levi said quietly. “Look kid, I made a pass at you and you rejected me. It happens. I don’t begrudge it. We can move past this. We can still be friends if you want.”

Levi doubted very much that Eren wanted that.

“Why didn’t you try to kiss me again?” Eren cried out.

Again?

“…Because that’s how sexual harassment suits are started?” Levi said cocking his head to the side in confusion.

“You tried to kiss me, but you—I didn’t know why you tried it—if you’d—maybe if you’d said something or if you’d asked or I don’t know…” A frustrated Eren put his head in his hands. “I just keep thinking that you should try. To, uh, kiss me. Again.”

“You want me to kiss you?”

“No! I mean, not if you don’t want to! I just—I don’t know. I never really thought about this…” he pointed between Levi and himself. “I mean I had, but not seriously, I never thought you would…and now that I have I still don’t know so…yeah, maybe if we tried again I could make up my mind or—“

He stopped his babbling as Levi took a sudden step forward. Eren’s breath caught in his throat. Levi studied his anxious face with his cool grey eyes before taking Eren’s stubbly chin in his hands and pulling him down for a soft and wet kiss. Then, just as Eren was adjusting to the sensation, Levi pulled away. He waited for a few moments, for Eren to say something or respond with a kiss with his own, but Eren was too dumbstruck to do anything but stand there with his eyes closed as the cool air slapped at the wetness on his lips. Without another word, Levi turned and left the walk-in freezer.

“Oh fuck,” Eren said once he was alone, legs shaking. He was screwed.

When Eren finally managed to leave the walk-in freezer, Rico had cornered Levi.

“How is it that all three teams are _tied_ for Leadership Points™?” Rico asked.

“No idea,” Levi said, hiding his graph paper behind his back.

“You know that means we’ll have to hold a pizza and ice cream party for everyone now?” she said pulling at her ash blonde hair. “You’ve made it so there is no winner! If everyone wins then there’s no point to the Leadership Point™ system!”

“Oh, I hadn’t thought of it like that,” Levi said, putting his finger to his chin in mock thought. “But honestly, Rico? Fuck your point system.”

She gasped and held a hand to her breast.

“But without—without the points it’s anarchy!”

“Viva la revolution, baby,” Levi said in his apathetic drawl and Rico stormed off.

“Did you really intentionally sabotage Rico’s system?” Eren asked him in bewilderment.

“Honestly I’m just tired of being the only one to shell out cash for the pizzas. And I don’t think we should be using such an arbitrary system to encourage kids to do what they should already be doing in the first place.”

“You don’t believe in a little positive reinforcement?” Eren asked.

“Except they don’t actually use it as positive reinforcement, more as a punishment. Like, ‘If you keep acting up, Justin, you won’t receive a single Leadership Point™!” or as a way to keep their pets on a leash, ‘A leadership point for you, Carrie, if you carry my bag.’ It may have been a good idea at the beginning but the system has become corrupted. Nile only hands out points like they’re grenades and Petra gives too many, leaving Rico to create a maximum number of points we can give out! So now on top of everything, we have to ration out the points. Since I’ve been tracking who all the points are going to, I saved all of mine until the last day and have been doling them out to even out the numbers.”

“That’s…that’s diabolical…that’s genius!” Eren said.

“Thanks, but I couldn’t take all the credit. It was Erwin’s idea.”

“Principal Smith sabotaged Rico’s system?” Eren wrinkled his nose.

“Yeah, he was bitter because last year one parent wanted to know why their daughter hadn’t gotten on the winning team and yelled at him that it would hurt her college applications.”

“Parents really can’t care about something that arbitrary, can they?”

“Oh, they can and they will. They’re worse than the kids.”

“I am learning so much on this trip,” Eren said scratching at the back of his head and Levi offered a rare grin.

<*>

The walk back to the cabin was long and silent. Both Eren and Levi felt strangely electrified and kept avoiding each other’s eyes. It had been one thing when they were there in the mess hall surrounded by their coworkers and students, but now that they were alone in the dark, it was completely different. The whistling, violent, and icy winds from earlier had died down and now the snow was hard packed and glinting in the flickering lights from the camp.

More than once Eren opened his mouth to say something and more than once he shut his mouth or instead pretended to catch a flake on his tongue.

Levi, for his part, had put his emotional blinders on and refused to look anywhere but straight ahead. Eren accidentally bumped against him in the snow and Levi corrected his position so it didn’t happen again.

Suddenly, Levi pulled up short and slapped his hand across Eren’s chest, forcing him to halt as well.

“Look,” he whispered.

A doe, radiant in the stillness of the night, cautiously stepped into the lights and pawed at the ground. She sniffed at the air and Eren and Levi weren’t even breathing. They shared that moment as the moon came out from behind a cloud and illuminated the scene. Eren felt like something was happening, like maybe this was a sign. Of what, he didn’t know.

There was a crack from an evergreen overburdened with snow and the doe stilled and then took off, her white tail the only visible part of her as she bounded away into the darkness of the thick forest.

They knocked their boots off at the door and entered the cabin. The fire had long gone out and it was again freezing inside. Eren left to grab more wood from outside and when he returned they moved awkwardly around the small space. It was a great deal like the poor blocking of Eren’s play where all of the actors had forgotten their lines. They almost bumped into each other as Levi crossed to fold his mittens and put them by the woodstove to dry. Eren nearly tripped as he attempted to undo the laces from his ice caked boots.

Finally they met in the middle, under the swinging lightbulb.

“I—“ Eren started.

“Night!” Levi said, hiding his panic in a disguise of dismissive annoyance as he tugged at the light string.

Eren tugged it back on.

“We need to talk about this!” Eren said.

“No we don’t!” Levi said, pulling the light off again.

“Yes! We do!” Light on.

“No! Night!” Light off.

“Yes. We. Do!” Eren said, tugging on the light so hard that there was a spark and then the light bulb went dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eren gets turned on by goodteacher!Levi. Me too bruh. Arrivederci, Leadership Points™


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Son of a Preacher Man”//Dusty Springfield
> 
> “But still, I’ve wanted this for a long time,” Eren said, tugging on Levi’s sweater and pulling his lips to his. “Maybe we could just, I don’t know…you know?”  
> For being an English teacher Eren wasn’t too great with words.  
> “Fool around?” Levi asked, cocking an eyebrow. “What do the kids call it nowadays? Hook up? As chaperones aren’t we supposed to be discouraging that kind of behavior?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr is [perksofbeingawaifu](http://perksofbeingawaifu.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Tracking tag is #fic: trlj
> 
> If you like, please leave kudos or comments!  
> \--  
> FINAL CHAPTER!!!
> 
> And now 7k of smut for you!

A few moments later, Levi had dug out his flashlight and Eren was reaching up to the lightbulb.

“Careful, don’t electrocute yourself,” Levi cautioned unnecessarily.

Eren shook it and they could hear the filament rattling around inside.

“There’s gotta be a spare around here somewhere,” Eren said and Levi searched the small closet (where the now broken space heater was stored).

“I got nothing,” Levi sighed.

“Maybe up at the main lodge?”

“It’s ten. It’s all locked up.”

Eren sighed.

“I guess I’ll get started on this fire then so we’ll have a little light then.”

Levi held the flashlight and shivered as he watched Eren strike a match and catch the newspaper he’d stuffed under the logs.

“You know, I had an idea just now,” Eren said, stoking the fire with a stick he’d found outside.

“Oh yeah, what’s that?” Levi asked, arms crossed over his chest for warmth.

“You might not like it.”

“Try me.”

“It involves sleeping on the floor.”

“You’re right, it’s a shitty plan.”

“Hear me out. We take the mattresses from the bunk bed and we drag them over in front of the fire—not too close mind you, we don’t want to catch fire (also, I’m pretty sure these mattresses aren’t fire retardant and that’s a felony). But this way we can be closer to the fire and not the freezing window.”

Levi thought about it.

“Okay, I’m game.”

“Awesome.”

They pulled the mattresses off the frame and set them in front of the fire. Levi was the first to realize the error of this situation. There was only so much space in front of the heater and unless the mattresses were fairly close together, one person received more heat than the other.

“If we push them together it’s almost like a marital bed,” Levi joked and then immediately hated himself for doing so.

“Ha,” Eren said, throat constricting.

He grabbed his sleeping bag and set it down on his mattress.

That’s right, they each had their own sleeping bags, so it wasn’t quite the close quarters he imagined it was.

“When my family would go camping, my sister and I used to zip our sleeping bags together so we had one giant sleeping bag.”

“Is that even possible?” Levi said, his mouth going dry at the idea

“Yeah, here, let me show you,” Eren said grabbing his and unzipping it and then linking the zipper to Levi’s, his hands shaking the entire time. “Sorry, I’m still really cold and yeah.”

His voice cracked on the last word and Eren flushed in embarrassment.

Eren finished zipping them together.

“There. See?” he pointed.

“I see.”

Both Levi and Eren were painfully aware they’d just made a little love nest for the two of them. Levi made a little popping noise with his mouth.

“Well, we should uh—“ Levi started but never got anywhere because he never had a closer for that one.

Without warning, Eren dove in for a kiss. Their noses bumped, there was a click of teeth and both pulled away unsatisfied.

“Ow,” Levi said pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry!” Eren apologized.

“It’s fine, just—mmf!”

Eren swooped in for another kiss, this time they knocked foreheads.

“Ow! Damnit!” Levi said, holding his forehead.

“Sorry,” Eren said dejectedly, toeing at the ground before sighing and sitting down on the sleeping bags.

Levi used the opportunity to push Eren’s shoulders down and straddle his lap. Before Eren could say anything, Levi’s lips were on his, soft and warm and he could smell Levi’s tea and aftershave. His arms flailed about for a bit before he wrapped them around Levi’s waist and pulled him closer.

“Are—are we doing this?” Eren asked breathlessly when they finally pulled apart.

“Fuck yeah,” Levi growled, kissing him again.

Eren let out a little gasp but it was swallowed but Levi’s lips, which tasted like his peppermint chapstick and Levi’s tongue brushed over his own and Eren’s eyes widened and he broke the kiss.

“We need to talk about this!” Eren protested, falling back onto his elbows, Levi still mostly in his lap, but with several layers of clothing between them for which Eren was grateful because a certain little one eyed monster had reared its ugly head and seemed to be fighting for the blood in his other head.

Levi gave a groan and stepped out of Eren’s lap.

“What is this?” Eren asked, motioning between the two of them.

“Is what?” Levi asked, sighing.

“What are we?”

“I don’t know!”

“Well, what do you want us to be?”

“I…I don’t know…” Levi said, flicking the zipper on his sleeping bag again.

He didn’t know. He had an inkling of what he wanted, he just didn’t know how to say it out loud because he’d already been rejected once on this trip and he didn’t know if he could handle it again.

“Because I don’t know that I want a boyfriend right now.”

“Oh god, no,” Levi agreed.

Levi hadn’t had a boyfriend in…ever. He had men in his life who happened to stick around. He guessed they were boyfriends. And he hadn’t had a girlfriend since Isabel and that train wreck ended in a wedding and a quickie divorce.

Eren, for his part, had several ex-boyfriends and all of them were awful in one way or the other so he was cautiously dipping his toe in the water with Levi.

“I want to be able to see you in the hallway and have it not be awkward.”

“Well I can’t promise that, but I can try,” Levi offered.

“It’s just you’re—no offense—short.”

“I know.”

“And mean. And rude. So rude! I don’t know how anyone at this school puts up with you! You’re also a clean freak, but when it comes to food it’s like feeding time at the zoo!”

“Right, I get it,” Levi said irritably. “I’m not a catch.”

“But still, I’ve wanted this for a long time,” Eren said, tugging on Levi’s sweater and pulling his lips to his. “Maybe we could just, I don’t know…you know?”

For being an English teacher Eren wasn’t too great with words.

“Fool around?” Levi asked, cocking an eyebrow. “What do the kids call it nowadays? Hook up? As chaperones aren’t we supposed to be discouraging that kind of behavior?”

Eren thought this over, looking worried. They should be setting a good example for the kids, right?

“Relax, I was joking. We’re adults, they’re not.” Levi reminded him, looking down at Eren’s bottom lip hungrily.

That’s right. They were adults. Somewhere in the crazy drama of this trip, Eren had let himself be transported back to his horrible high school days. Back in high school he could only have dreamed of such a fantasy, but now as an adult he could act on that wild tug in his belly that urged him on.

”Just kiss me,” Eren breathed.

Levi did, nibbling on Eren’s lip.

“Wait. How long?” Levi said, pulling up.

“Huh?”

“You said you’ve wanted this for a long time. How long?” Levi asked and he looked a little shy as he did so.

“Ever since I saw you piping on that whistle like you were Captain Von Trapp,” Eren said, grabbing at Levi’s hips. “The fucking sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Levi surged forward and they rubbed against each other through several layers of clothes, creating enough friction to warm them in the freezing cold night. The fire had yet to catch the main logs and so their light was dim as Levi sucked at Eren’s earlobe and Eren curled his toes happily under two layers of socks.

“I saw your play!” Levi gasped, coming up for air.

“Really?” Eren asked, looking touched. No one had come to see his play.

“Yeah!” Levi nodded. “It was great. It was funny.”

“It was Death of a Salesman, but okay.” Eren shrugged and cupped Levi’s face and pulled it back down to his lips.

Eren unzipped his fleece and they flung it aside. There were still three more layers between Levi and that cute ass, but he was in no hurry.

“Fuck!” Eren said, shooting upright.

“You didn’t come already, did you?” Levi asked critically, looking down between his legs.

“No. Shit, do you have protection?” Eren asked wincingly.

“Shit. No.” It’s not like he had anticipated he would get lucky on this trip.

Levi had his hands on his hips, thinking hard and Eren put his hand to his chin, doing the same. Both of their eyes trailed over to the confiscated condoms and lube contraband.

“Thank god for horny teenage boys,” Eren said looking skyward.

“Maybe rephrase that,” Levi suggested, getting up to grab them.

“I know, I heard it as soon as I said it.”

“Oh goddamnit,” Levi cursed.

“What?”

“You’re not gonna believe this. The lube is frozen.”

“Shit, what are we going to do?”

“Here, I’ll put it by the fireplace and let it thaw.”

“What are we going to do until then!?” Eren complained impatiently.

“Oh no,” Levi teased, crawling down onto the bed they’d made. “We’ll just have to spend more time on foreplay.”

He nipped at Eren’s stubbly chin and Eren grinned a little.

“My junk is getting crushed, can we maybe lose a few layers here?”

They broke and there was a great deal of bouncing and a flurry of clothes as they pulled off snow pants and sweaters and Levi was left in his boxer briefs and his thick woolen socks. He dove under the covers, pulling them up to his chin. Eren started unbuttoning his long johns but Levi stopped him.

“Do you think you could leave those on?” he asked huskily.

Eren paused with his fingers on the top button, grinning at Levi whose eyes were the only visible part of him as he snuggled down lower into the covers.

“You know from the moment I saw you I thought you were either a huge prude or a dirty old pervert,” he said, slowly, agonizingly toying with that button.

“And now?” Levi asked in a muffled voice.

“I’m so glad it’s dirty old pervert,” Eren said crawling on top of Levi.

They kissed and Levi cupped that perky little ass in his hands, eliciting a little yelp from Eren. Levi made himself familiar with Eren’s red long johns. He counted exactly seven wooden buttons on the front. He ran his hands up Eren’s firm torso, and hooked his thumb right under the first button. It popped right open, exposing Eren’s crinkly chest hair and his bronzed clavicles. Levi leaned up to bite along the bone line.

“No hickeys,” Eren complained. “How will I explain it to the kids?”

“Wear a turtleneck. You look sexy in turtlenecks.”

“I do?” Eren asked, looking flattered by this information.

“Hell yeah.”

Levi reached up and popped open another button.

“It’s like an advent calendar, each one has a surprise!” Levi said excitedly, slipping his hands inside, raking his nails over Eren’s chest.

“You’re so weird,” Eren said shaking his head, but smiling.

Levi found one hard little nipple and tweaked it.

“Ow!” Eren gasped, slapping his hand away.

“Sorry. You don’t like?”

“I…don’t know,” Eren said, thinking hard. “Do it again.”

Levi obeyed.

Eren was still hesitant.

“Little softer?” Levi prompted.

“Yeah!” Eren said brightly as if this solved his dilemma.

Levi thumbed open that third button. Eren’s taut torso winkled as he craned forward. Levi wanted to see more so he hurried with the fourth button. Eren looked down and pulled a face.

“God, you’re so fucking sexy,” Levi said, running his hands over his shape.

“What? No. Look, I’ve gained weight since I started this job. Look at the chunk.”

“That’s not chunk, everyone’s stomach does that when they’re scrunched over like an accordion.”

“Sure,” Eren said, rolling his eyes slightly and sending a glare down to his abs.

“Hey,” Levi said, grabbing Eren’s chin in his hand and pulling those red lips to his own.

He hastened with the next two buttons. Starting at Eren’s navel there was a dark trail that led downward. Levi’s eyes followed its progression until it disappeared, hidden from view.

“Uh oh,” Eren said, eyes flicking down to that last button, his lips pulling into a naughty grin. “End of the line.”

Levi cocked an eyebrow and grabbed Eren around the waist and made to roll on top of him.

“Um!” Eren said, dodging Levi’s attempt. “I—I have a lot of rules!”

“Sure,” Levi said, trying to avoid undoing that last button, but it was so hard!

Instead he focused on the two buttons above the dimples in Eren’s back. He slipped his hand underneath the flap and pinched the pale skin there. Eren jumped a little on top of him and Levi grinned.

“I—uh—don’t do oral on the first date. Like, I mean, I’ll have sex with you, but I don’t—uh—your hands are distracting.”

“Sorry,” Levi said, pulling them out and tucking them behind his head.

“I don’t do oral because I don’t know where your mouth has been, yada yada, herpes and diamonds are forever, etcetera. And before you say ‘well we can use a condom,’ I just don’t like the taste of condoms. And I know what you’re going to say and I just don’t want to do oral and that’s the end of it!” Eren finished. Somewhere along the line, Levi had forgotten about keeping his hands away and was back at it.

Eren waited for Levi to bargain with him, but Levi appeared too interested in those back buttons, which were a lot harder to open when you couldn’t see them.

“Did you hear me?”

“Yup,” Levi said, finally popping one of the buttons. “I got one!”

“And uh. I have more rules.”

“Go on, I’m listening. This second one is stuck.”

“No rimming. No eating ass. Like everyone nowadays wants to eat ass and I just, I don’t know you that well.”

“Uh huh,” Levi nodded. “What is it sewn on?”

“Okay, last one. Well not last one, but last one I can think of—“

“Haha! Got it!” Levi crowed and both of his hands slipped in to cover Eren’s ass, thumbs kneading at the firm skin.

“I need to be on top.”

“Oh,” said Levi, pausing. “Okay.

He rolled over, which was a little difficult as he was stuck between Eren’s knees.

“I—wait. I meant. Wow, you’re okay with that. Good to know. No sorry, I meant—can you turn over? Thank you—that I like to bottom…but on top.”

Levi stared at him, thin brows contracted.

“Oh! You mean—“

“Yes, thank you,” Eren breathed a sigh of relief as Levi got it. “I just, it’s more comfortable for me. Sometimes when a guy is on top of me I get a little claustrophobic—“

“It’s no problem,” Levi waved.

“And one guy I was with said I just lay there and take it and I got all self-conscious. So now I do things this way. You know, unless I know the person better.”

“That’s fine with me, kid,” Levi said, giving a crooked grin. “I’ll take you any way I can get you.”

“I want to be insulted by your low standards, but I’m actually flattered,” Eren said, musing over it.

They rolled under the covers, a tangled ball of limbs and fervent kisses. The fire licked at the logs and before they knew it they had a roaring blaze going. Eren was leaking through his long johns and Levi’s breath was ragged yet he was showing amazing willpower ignoring that last button.

“Let’s check on the lube,” he said when he finally got a chance.

Untangling from that mess was like trying to unkink a slinky. He tried to sit up, but Eren was still on him so it was a futile effort. Levi pinched his backside again. Eren yelped and rolled over.

“Chunks of it are still frozen, but I think the majority is thawed. Shall I?”

“No, give it to me,” Eren sighed, looking at the bottle of lube apprehensively. “It’s going to be so cold!”

Eren squirted some into his palm and cupped his other hand on top and breathed onto it. He held it in front of the woodstove and breathed on it some more, while Levi watched with an incredulous expression leaning back on his elbows.

“Do you want some—“

“Nope! Another rule! I’d rather prep myself.”

“You sure?” Levi watched Eren’s face pull into a grimace as he fingered himself.

“Yup!” he said, letting out a grunt which sounded anything but pleasant to Levi.

Trying to be encouraging, he ran his hands up Eren’s thighs.

“Can you not? Sorry, it’s just distracting.”

Levi obeyed, pulling his hands away.

“And can you not watch me? I feel like you’re judging me.”

Levi snorted and covered his eyes with his hands.

“No, don’t be like that,” Eren protested.

“I’m just trying to give you what you want,” Levi said, eyes still hidden from view.

Eren liked that about Levi.

“It’s just, every guy I’ve been with thinks they know what they’re doing, but they really don’t and they thump at it like they are little kids pressing a doorbell on Halloween.”

“That’s because you’ve been with boys,” Levi said in a purr, reclining backward onto his pillow, allowing Eren to take a good look at each carved notch in his stomach. “You should let a man take care of you.”

“Old man,” Eren grumbled, eyes closed and brow furrowed as he worked at himself.

“Let me touch you,” Levi asked. “I don’t want to pressure you, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but you’re so beautiful and I want to make you feel _good_.”

Eren’s already flushed face, darkened even further. Beautiful? Now why did he have to go and say things like that? Stomach fluttering, he nodded a little.

Levi didn’t wait to be told twice, he pumped the lube into his hands.

“Make sure you warm—“

“I am!” Levi said, panting audibly onto his palms.

“Cold!” Eren yelped.

“Not even touching you yet,” Levi said and Eren could practically hear the smirk in his voice.

Levi slipped one finger in and Eren let out an uncomfortable noise. He pulled out and kissed at a cheek.

“I could eat that ass for hours,” Levi sighed.

“Again! I’d rather you didn’t!” Eren grunted.

Levi muttered something and Eren couldn’t hear him.

“What?”

“It’s like a butt window. Like a view of the world’s most perfect ass,” Levi said in awe.

Eren chuckled.

Levi slipped his finger back in and with each little laugh Eren gave, Levi eased in deeper. He didn’t pump his finger, more just letting it gently slip in, his breath hot against Eren’s entrance, making the contrast with the cold air all the more intense.

“I mean, I don’t want to be that weird guy you hooked up with at camp with the flannel fetish, but this whole getup is really working for me,” Levi said, giving a little slap with his other hand.

“Well I’ve got bad news for you, Levi,” Eren said, panting a little. “You already are that guy.”

Levi threw his head back and laughed and Eren felt his own laugh rumble through his chest and he didn’t know why but it made it easier for Levi to enter him deeper. Levi finally moved, his finger sliding in gently in slow almost imperceptible movements like the water lapping at the shore on a still morning. Levi’s fingers brushed against his prostate and Eren hissed.

“See, it’s just if you spend too much time there I get overstimulated and it just hurts and—“

“Poor Mr. J,” Levi said, reaching around to his front to cup Eren’s length through the fabric. “He just needs someone who knows what he’s doing.”

Levi began slowly, gently massaging his middle finger around in circles inside of him, curling his finger at intervals. His other hand rolled Eren’s balls in his hands, pulling and massaging at the skin. Eren jumped a little, trembling.

“Ah-ha! Ah!" Eren tried not to move, but Levi felt so good.

“Good?” Levi asked.

“Y-yes. Fuck. Yes,” Eren gasped as his thighs flexed.

Levi continued finger fucking him, his other hand running up and down Eren’s bare chest until that last button was too much for him to ignore any longer.

“Can…can I touch you?” Levi asked, playing with the wooden button.

“Fuck, you could do anything to me right now,” Eren moaned leaning forward on his elbows.

“Don’t say that or I’ll get ideas,” Levi chided.

Eren’s member was already poking out the top of the fabric, leaking and making a mess so Levi released it, finally undoing that last button. He gave one slow stroke, familiarizing himself with that throbbing length. It was thick and smooth against Levi’s chapped hands and Levi briefly entertained the thought of what it would feel like inside his mouth and under his tongue.

Eren seized his wrist and forced him to stop.

“I—I want to see you,” Eren managed, his throat dry.

Levi was grateful to get back under the covers and Eren crawled on top of him again.

“You have an amazing body, you know that?” Eren praised, fingers tracing those hard lines.

“I know.” Levi shrugged.

“Fuck you, that was a compliment,” Eren laughed, slapping at his chest.

He cautiously hooked his thumbs and then pulled down Levi’s boxer briefs like he was expecting there to be a poisonous snake on the other side.

“Oh,” he said looking relieved.

“What?” Levi asked.

“Well you’re definitely a grower that’s for sure.”

“Hey fuck you, may I remind you that I went through the ice yesterday and—“

Eren kissed him and the rest of Levi’s complaint was swallowed.

Eren leaned back, regarding Levi’s erection like a doctor thinking over his patient. He grabbed the tip with his forefinger and thumb and then set it down gently.

“You’re seen a dick before, right?” Levi asked, arms still tucked behind his head.

Erin rolled his eyes before pumping him in his hands twisting up and down the length of Levi’s cock. Levi groaned and Eren’s hips kept fidgeting as if he were imagining what the weight in his hands would feel like inside him. Eren kept biting his lip and playing with the hairs on Levi’s legs, running his hands up to his hipbone then down to the cuff of his socks.

“Normally I wouldn’t ask,” Levi started. “But do you mind if I, uh, keep my socks on the entire time?”

“Oh god no—“ Eren waved off Levi’s concerns.

“Thanks.”

“I mean, it’s fucking freezing in here.”

“I just don’t want to stop once we get going just because I got a foot cramp.”

“Understandable. You don’t mind if I keep mine on, do you?”

“Please. Be my guest.”

Eren grabbed the extra blankets and he wrapped them around his shoulders like a cape before leaning over Levi.

“Better?” he asked.

“Actually, can we face the other way? My toes are warm, but my nose is freezing.”

Eren leaned forward to give him eskimo kisses, rubbing their noses together before they turned around. Quickly growing impatient Eren pinned Levi down with kisses, rubbing his cock against Levi’s thigh in anticipation. Levi fumbled around with the condom wrapper.

“Check the expiration date—“ Eren said breathily.

“I did.”

“And?”

“We’re good through the next ice age.”

Eren pulled a face.

“2020!” Levi said turning the box to him so Eren could read it in the dim light.

“I’m just checking,” Eren grumbled.

The light from the fire, lit up his face and Levi could see him gnawing at his bruised lips and his eyes flickered over to the window. There weren’t any shades on the windows—no way to keep anyone from seeing what they were up to.

“What if someone catches us?” Eren asked. “What if it’s one of the kids?”

“Then they’ll get a better dose of sex education than the school,” Levi joked.

At Eren’s fierce expression, he clarified, “We’re not allowed to teach anal sex at school.”

“What really?”

“Yeah, we can’t even answer them if they ask us point blank.”

“That’s some fucking bullshit!” Eren grew angry again, steering his focus to Levi who was hard underneath him and trying to slip the condom over his member. “Give me that!”

He grabbed the condom and rolled it on forcefully. Lining Levi up with his entrance, he closed his eyes, focusing intently on Levi’s girth. Levi ran his arms up and down Eren’s chest and arms, warming him as best he could. He felt his head brush against Eren and the slick sensation as he glided in. Levi gripped Eren’s thighs, leaving grooves from his fingernails, resisting the urge to thrust up.

“Need more lube,” Eren muttered grabbing some. “Cold, shit cold, fuck cold.”

Levi cursed as Eren slicked him with the chilly substance.

“There, that’s better,” Eren said, eyes still shut as he slid down on Levi slowly. “Another rule: don’t, uh, don’t do anything until I get situated here.”

Levi nodded, his heavy lidded eyes now wide as Eren hunched over him, taking his length in inch by inch, letting gravity do the hard part. Eren sighed and rolled his neck before tangling his fingers in his own hair, then rubbed at his shoulder. When he reached the base of Levi’s cock, he arched his back and gave a weak and tentative thrust back. He appeared to like the results and repeated the motion. Levi could only watch him and stroke his (still flannel-clad) thighs as Eren lifted himself up and then slid back down, trying to find his pleasure.

“Ha,” Eren laughed, hands bracing against Levi’s chest. “That’s nice.”

He threw his head back and gripped Levi’s thighs for support as he lifted himself up again and then slid down. And when Eren leaned back again, Levi gazed upon what he’d created. Though his arms and legs were still covered, Eren’s chest was bare all the way down to his leaking cock and he knew exactly how to ride Levi, keeping a small smile on his lips or biting at his thumb the whole while.

“Let me know when I can move,” Levi said, gritting his teeth because it felt so good and not being able to move made the whole things agonizingly painful.

“Yeah, you go ahead at do that.” Eren gave a blissful smile, eyes still shut.

Levi waited for him to come back down before giving a shallow thrust upward.

“Ah!” Eren cried out, beating a fist against Levi’s chest.

“Too hard?” Levi asked.

“No,” Eren shook his head, flattening out his palm and smoothing over where he’d struck at Levi. “Ah!” he gasped and his nails dug in. “You feel good, you’re hitting that spot. It feels good.”

Levi leaned up a bit, pulling one of Eren’s legs over his forearm and he grabbed Eren’s ass in his hands, spreading him and helping him rise upward and then he met Eren as he came back down. They set out a rhythm, Levi watching Eren, careful to let him determine the pace. Eren finally opened up his eyes and when he saw how cautiously Levi was watching him he kissed him and Levi saw that spark—that challenge in his eyes.

Eren rose, Levi lifting him and then sliding him back down but this time as Eren slid back and Levi bucked into him, Eren twisted his hips in little circles at the base. Levi let out a gasp. Eren swiveled down on his cock, grinning at the noises of surprise Levi gave. Eren repeated the action grinding on him and Levi felt spurred to grab those hips and thrust up as hard as he could. He wrapped one arm around Eren and then slid his other hand up and down his length.

“You should see yourself,” Levi said in awe. “You look like a fucking god.”

The fire was going strong now and beads of sweat kept rolling down Eren’s chest and when he leaned over Levi, his hair was dripping and he tasted like salt. Levi couldn’t get enough.

“You like that, huh?” Levi asked. “You like my cock?”

“Y-yeah,” Eren gasped as Levi hit that spot for him again.

“Yeah, I know you do, look at you riding me like a little slut.” And then Levi realized his error. “Sorry! Sorry! Was that too much?”

“Oh, uh…I don’t mind,” Eren said thinking about it as he slid down again. “I can be your slut if you want.”

“No, it’s too much, sorry I just got caught up in the moment,” Levi apologized.

Eren wrapped his arms around Levi’s shoulders, shaking his hair out of his eyes, their pace having slowed considerably.

“Would you mind terribly if I took off the flannel? I’m sweating and it’s not that comfortable fucking like this,” he asked.

“I’m surprised you kept it on this long,” Levi agreed.

Eren pulled Levi out with a wet noise and had a hard time peeling off his long johns, he was so sweaty.

Levi laughed again as he watched Eren try to untangle himself, reclining back on his arms, which were shaking slightly although not from the cold, but from the exertion. He slipped a hand to his cock, stroking it gently as he waited.

“Maybe I should wear one too?” Eren mused, indicating the condom, flinging off the garment and crawling over to Levi. “That way we have easy cleanup. You’d hate me if I got come on your sleeping bag.”

“That’s the sexiest thing you’ve said tonight,” Levi complimented.

Eren ripped the wrapper open with his teeth, causing Levi to crack a grin because the look of extreme concentration and fierce determination on his face while fucking or even putting on a condom was too endearing.

“Your seat awaits,” Levi said indicating his cock.

“Naw, let’s switch it up,” Eren said, waving him off.

“…You sure?”

“Yeah, we spent all this time constructing this little bed for the two of us and I want you to fuck me into it.”

Levi wasted no time slipping behind Eren.

“You tell me if you like what I’m doing,” Levi said. “And you let me know if you don’t.”

“Mmm,” Eren said as Levi ran his hands over his back, rubbing and massaging, kneading at a knot in his neck (which was assuredly caused by the angry spring under his pillow). “I like that.”

Levi pressed at his entrance again, pulling at his Eren’s shoulder to encourage his cock deeper.

“What about that?” Levi asked, once he had slid in all the way, wrapping his arms around Eren’s waist.

“Mm, yeah,” Eren mumbled into the mothballed blankets.

“Can’t hear you,” Levi said giving a sharp thrust.

“Ah! Yes! I like it,” Eren yelped. “Careful, if we’re any louder the kids might just hear us.”

“Do you hear that outside?” Levi asked and they stilled a moment to listen to the howling wind. “There’s no one listening save maybe that deer we saw. So you can be as loud as you want.”

Eren considered this. When was the last time he got to be loud, really loud? His apartment had thin walls, and before that he had lived with roommates and before that his bedroom was right next to his sister’s so there was a great deal of hushed handjobs and hands clapped over mouths lest she hear them. And now Levi was banging out a fast and rough pace, the sound of skin slapping and Levi’s low grunts caused a fluttering sensation in Eren’s belly.

Eren began murmuring instructions at first, “Yeah like that, I like that, yes. A little more there, yes!” but he quickly devolved into nonsensical moans and shouts of, “Fuck me, fuck me, oh FUCK me, fuck, yes fuck me!”

Levi liked it when Eren begged for it like that and he maintained an iron grip on the younger man’s hips and Eren liked to rise to meet him, but it was difficult for him to do anything but take it as hard as Levi was giving it. He tried to keep an arch in his back, but was driven to his elbows and finally not even they could support him. He tried to grab for something—anything—to brace himself against Levi’s brutal thrusts and unfortunately grabbed one of the lower legs of the woodstove.

“Whoops, don’t do that,” Levi said, pulling Eren’s hand back.

“Ow, ow, I burned my fingers,” Eren moaned.

“Yeah, that’ll happen when you grab the stove, you dork.”

Eren sucked on them and looked back over his shoulder to Levi, his fingers wet and his mouth glistening. Levi picked up Eren’s hips and tilted them for a better angle, hitting that sweet spot now moving achingly slow forcing a dull burn to boil in the pit of Eren’s stomach to match the pulse in his blistered fingers.

“More, please more, baby, more,” Eren babbled.

But Levi continued his grind and Eren was weakly humping at the mound of blankets beneath him, trying to relieve some of the pressure.

“L-levi!” Eren begged. He hadn’t used his name yet during their whole act. It felt strangely intimate. “Levi!” he murmured again, growing bolder.

Levi pulled him back for a kiss.

“Levi,” Eren said it again now that he could see Levi’s face and he saw real true affection there. “Levi.”

Every time he said Levi’s name, the older man almost shuddered, aroused at the sound of it passing from Eren’s lips. Despite how youthful Levi looked, he always looked closed off and older behind the eyes. Now maybe it was the reflection of the dancing flames in his eyes but they were bright and alert and completely focused on Eren.

“Levi, make me come, please, I need you—“ he continued and Levi’s hand snaked under him and stroked him.

Between Levi’s chapped hands and the constant pressure of his cock, Eren came with a shout so loud it bounced around the empty cabin and he hadn’t realized he was sobbing Levi’s name until he saw tears—actual tears—on the blankets.

Levi slowed and stilled, panting heavily, pressing kisses against Eren’s spine.

“You close?” Eren managed to ask when he could finally talk.

“Yeah, I came already,” Levi panted.

“Oh,” Eren said in disappointment. He had wanted to feel and urge Levi on to ecstasy and felt a little put out that he had missed the fireworks. “When?”

“Same time as you,” Levi said, gripping the base of the condom and pulling out. “You were, uh, a little too distracted to notice.”

“Oh,” Eren said gruffly, his voice completely fucked out. “You should have said something.”

“You were plenty loud enough for the both of us,” Levi said with a tired and crooked grin, tying off the condom and dumping it in the trashcan. “Hold on, stay there, I think I have some wetwipes somewhere.”

He cleaned Eren gently and then they curled up under the covers after moving the mattresses back again from the stove. Eren set his head on Levi’s chest as Levi applied the First Aid kit burn cream to Eren’s fingers and wrapped them each up in Band-Aids.

“You’re so ridiculous,” Levi chastised. “What dumbass grabs a burning hot stove? Hm?”

Eren was already asleep and drooling a little on his chest.

“You’re going to regret not having any pajamas on once those logs die down,” Levi grumbled, tucking the covers close in around him. Then, more to himself than Eren, “Let’s hope that’s all you regret.”

He fell asleep to the sound of the wind outside, the snow falling around them, and it was like they were trapped in their own little snow globe scene—a cabin in the middle of nowhere with pine trees and a lone deer and the two of them warming their feet by the fire.

<*>

Tea mug in hand, Levi handed over the auxiliary cord to Eren to pick a song.

“I was thinking something a little gentler to wake up to,” Eren said as “Morning Has Broken” by Cat Stevens began playing.

“You’re too nice,” Levi grumbled. “None of them had the long night we did.”

“I woke up with a crick in my back,” Eren agreed. “From someone’s leg kicking me.”

“Okay, well maybe you should have stayed on your side,” Levi rolled his eyes.

“It’s like you were trying to climb a tree but I was the only thing close enough,” Eren laughed.

Levi sipped at his tea, hiding the mirth in his eyes with his watch cap.

Friday. Last day. Cleaning day. Team B did breakfast prep and then every group had to clean not only the kitchen, but the dorms and the bathrooms. Levi had them on their hands and knees scrubbing at the floor to get off the gunk tracked in by their boots. They were all too tired to complain and the bus was decidedly less rowdy as they boarded to leave.

Instead of the classical station, Eren put on some classic rock and that seemed to keep the rabble down.

Levi put all of his belongings in the seat behind him to make room for Eren, although he tried hard not to look like that was what he was doing. Eren slid into the offered spot and Levi hid another smile by looking out the window. Eren looked down at the shorter man and the tips of Levi’s ears began to burn. This was enough for Eren who turned and looked the other way, hiding a laugh with the back of his hand. Here they were surrounded by people and they couldn’t say one word to each other.

Mr. Shadis put the bus into drive and they went over a tree root and Eren hissed a little.

“Here,” said Levi, grabbing Eren’s pillow from behind them.

“Thanks,” Eren said appreciatively, placing it under his backside.

“You’re welcome,” Levi said knowingly.

There was a grind as the bus made it onto the freeway and Eren was trying to think of _something_ that they could talk about that the kids wouldn’t misconstrue.

“So, uh, there’s another retreat in the spring, are you going on that too?” Eren asked, trying to seem casual.

“Just ask me out,” Levi said, his palm over his lips as he looked out the window. He met Eren’s eyes in the reflection and flushed again.

“Right then. Good to know,” Eren said, looking out the other window across the aisle.

Eren reached out his pinky, searching for Levi’s and their fingers tangled. Eren had to put a hand over his face to stop from grinning and Levi couldn’t do anything but look out the window, his face burning and they could have stayed like that forever.

But then Dylan started whipping around one of the confiscated footballs.

“Dylan! Strike one!” Eren said standing up. “Use your head. What happens if you hit Mr. Shadis here? Do you want us all to go over the bridge all because you couldn’t stop playing with balls?”

The rest of the bus laughed.

“What’s your punishment, Mr. J?” Dylan prodded. “Gonna make us listen to more shitty music?”

“Language Dylan. And no. You get to sit with Mr. Ackerman the entire ride.”

Levi waved.

Dylan sat down and put away his arsenal of tiny foam footballs.

“If sitting next to Coach is such a punishment, how come he’s doing it?” one girl whispered behind her hand to her friend and they broke out into giggles.

After the TITAN retreat, things went back to normal—mostly. Every Saturday people who drove by Mr. Ackerman’s place could see another car in the driveway that looked suspiciously like the new English teacher’s. Mr. Jaeger was at every volleyball game, cheering on the team as they took states. And there were more eyebrow raising details that staff and students alike gossiped about. Like how Mr. A had a bouquet of flowers opening night of the Spring play and no one saw him give them to anyone but the following Monday, Mr. J had them in a vase on his desk. There was the one day that Mr. A came to school wearing a shirt that was obviously too large for him and was a horrendous paisley print. And then there was the time that Mr. J was grading papers in his classroom and sipping out of a thermos cup, which normally wouldn’t be an issue but this particular mug had “#1 COACH!” and the Trost High School mascot on it. Dylan Brown swore he saw Mr. J giving Mr. A a blowjob but no one trusted Dylan because he was a fucking liar, but Emma Welch swore she saw them exchange a kiss in between classes and Christian saw them at the movie theatre together and Mr. J had his arm around Mr. A, can you even imagine?

And of course there was the senior prank when the girls’ volleyball team filled up Principal Smith’s car with frozen frogs and it was very suspicious how all the frogs came from the English department’s fridge and how Mr. A had been spotted twirling Mr. Smith’s keys (recognized because of the “LEARNING RULES” keychain) and walking to the parking lot just moments before.

But those were all just rumors. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roll credits to "We're Going to Be Friends"// White Stripes
> 
> Well, that's all folks! If you like please leave comments/kudos and recommend to you friends!
> 
> And if you like this fic, you'll probably like [Büsker Dü's and Dont's](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1946151/chapters/4206144) (ereri, Ongoing). They're very similar in style and humor. 
> 
> Also check out my other fics: [Starboy](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2569121/chapters/5714891) (Completed, ereri) and [Bull of Heaven](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2384210/chapters/5267891) (ererivamika, Ongoing)

**Author's Note:**

> Oh Levi, you're just Mr. Congeniality.
> 
>  
> 
> [This art by cissyswonderland is amazing, please go check it out!](http://cissyswonderland.tumblr.com/post/111188252140/i-really-cant-deal-with-perksofbeingawaifus)


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